I feel ashamed and embarrassed speaking about this, but here goes.

I finished my PhD two years ago, and have been struggling to hold down a career job since. I have had two jobs, and was made redundant from the second one in February. Whilst I am, on paper, qualified for these positions, my disabilities make it incredibly hard to work to the professional standards needed in most settings. I am currently spending my nine to fives everyday job hunting.

In my first job, I was part of a production team, having to make incredibly strict deadlines. I kept getting negative feedback, and felt incredibly anxious and discouraged, I began to even feel like committing self harm towards the end, something I have never felt before. I spoke to my line manager about this at one point, and two days later was asked to resign from the company. I was incredibly relieved when I asked asked to resign, as it felt like the worst had happened, but I was still okay. This moment stands out, as I never really addressed the source of my anxiety, and is probably related to the pressure I'm feeling right now.

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Right now I'm job hunting full time, and am feeling incredibly down due to my recent rejections. Despite having some amazing qualities, my major draw backs have prevented me getting the career and job I have worked incredibly hard at. I feel not only lost and completely unsure about my future. Additionally, I'm scared that If I do get another job, I'll end up cracking under pressure again, and just start repeating the same mistakes.

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I've practiced Stoicism and resilience int he past, and have even started meditating at a local Buddhist center, but I feel this is only good for sweeping problems under the rug, rather than addressing them. What can I do right now to help address these issues?