I've always put up a tough demeanor when it came to girls; they're all hoes just to be used as a side piece in your life. It felt like an overall bad gut feeling when it came to girls, but I could never truly put it into words and fully believe it. I recall this mentality since I was the age of 12. Deep inside, I was only protecting myself from potential hurt and still viewed girls as innocent angels. Later on, I started wondering if I was projecting my lack of success onto women. Then again, I never really put in an effort to game girls because I was torn between being religious and actually living my life how I wanted to. I figured if a good girl put in the effort to be in my life I would consider going against my beliefs to be with her.
My theory that my lack of success with women caused resentment was later eliminated. I decided to leave my religion behind because I no longer agreed with the values of it and decided to live as an atheist with an agnostic perspective; I will hurt no one, and if there is a god willing to burn me in hell for having fun, I don't want to follow that god.
I stumbled onto redpill and dove into the game; it was time for me to become experienced with girls and fuck as many as I could. Initially, many of my previous negative thoughts about women were confirmed and put into words; their true nature is far from loyal and caring. This resulted in increased disgust. My bad gut feeling was right; some facade when it came to women was put up. Yet, I still decided to see how my perspective would be affected by gaining real experience and having success. Furthermore, I wanted to see it for myself; my beta view of innocent girls was put to challenge and I could not fathom that they were sleeping around with guys who gave no fuck about them.
One year later, at the age of 18, I was spinning three plates. Every week I would sit and choose which one of them I wanted to fuck this time. I was not ashamed of this and they all knew I was fucking around but still stuck around. No apologetic excuses were used because I did not give a fuck, I had reached an abundance mentality. Funny enough, it lead to increased attraction from them for me and did I enjoy it? No. I was further disgusted by how they processed value and enjoyed being treated like fuck dolls. Their fascination for bad boys who were emotionally unavailable was confirmed in front of my eyes. I treated them like shit because I could see how it resulted in increased success. My resentment grew and grew.
The highest point of my resentment was reached when I met this one girl for the first time and was not even looking to fuck her the first date. Twenty minutes later, we are in the backseat of my car, I'm sucking on her tits and she's saying "we literally just met, I'm not even horny, we won't have sex." I kept escalating for the thrill of it to see how far I would get and I knew she was only shit testing me. Few minutes later, I'm naked, she is naked, and I'm about to fuck her. There was one problem though; I was truly disgusted by how easy it was and how in denial she was about the entire thing, constantly repeating that she's not horny whilst I'm fingering her dripping wet pussy. I could not get it up and I didn't care either, the thrill was over. Another whore trying to put up the facade of an innocent angel who doesn't want sex. This was my issue with society's view on girls and girls' view on themselves; constantly denying their true sexual nature and putting up this facade of innocence. I told the girl that I had to leave, which of course made her enraged. She started shaming me by attacking my sexual orientation and accusing me of being gay. This did not bother me because all I could see was another whore, enraged that her powerful pussy that everyone worships could not even get my dick hard.
I no longer know what to do. All I can feel is deeply ingrained rage, disgust and resentment. I feel that I've been lied to my entire life by society and girls about who they truly are and how much they love getting dicked down in ways I could never imagine. I hate their nature with every fiber of my being; their denial, solipsism, lies, hypergamy, beating around the and shit testing. I don't know if I can ever accept and truly enjoy girls.
