Every since I was little I had 0 will. Everything I do I drag myself to do it. Waking up? Drag. Sitting down? Drag. Eating? Drag. Going to sleep? Drag. Anything litterally. Like any fucking thing.

When I was in the fourth grade (lil guy) I randomly picked a girl that was my neighbour and pulled her to a wall and kissed her, out of nowhere. The next weeks we were kissing in her house, but in a lil kid way like: "wtf are we doing?", when I think back its like: You were normal once son, now you are a wreck. And my big question is: How can I undo this? Then my parents changed my school and I became a social outcast. Its like I was getting older but not mentally. Then at 19 when high school ended I kinda woke up.

So Iwas a social outcast until 19, I found TRP and it got my gears grinding. At 20 was a completely different man, I had my first girl in a bed with me, giving me big signs that wanted the dick out or at least a kiss. I kne she wanted it but I just felt like something in my mind was going "what for? whats the point?" and I didnt do shit.

After that moment (keep in mind that was the first girl I ever approached) I spent the next year until today just becoming a zombie like I was until 19. Only difference is I now go to parties and have a facade where I seem happy, I seem happy to others and to myself but deep down hidden inside my brain is the "what for?" factor and it just kills everything I do.

I approached my second girl ever this year at 21, we hit it off perfectly she was 100% my type, 2 dates in shes in my bed giving me clear signs. Shes way hotter than the other one like a 9/10, I dont make any moves again. Only difference from her to the first girl is that this one is still dating me after 6 months. Just last week we had a date. Im just going with the flow. I wake up: Lets see if she wants to grab lunch, she says yes I go and act like a friend while she gives IOIs, I leave. I get home, get on my bed and wonder for hours on end why am I being so retarded. What am I missing? Am I gay? Am I meant to kill myself or some shit?

I got my T levels checked, its 550 out of 1000 if im not mistaken, below 500 is below average so im in the range and my doc said their fine. I dont feel depressed, I dont want to kill myself and never will just because of my lil sis. But everything I do is like: "Whats the point?" I go to the gym, get a bit of gainz and then be like "what for?". Im taking one of the best degrees on my country at college and everyday im like "what for?".

I dont know whats wrong with me or what I can do to change. I dont find anything a challenge anymore. Girls? Just lift and apply strategies and in a year or so you will have pussy. Money? Just get educated and start investing smartly. Friends? Go talk to people, be open.

Problem with all this: I know the know how but never experienced it. At 21 im still a kissless virgin. I can get girls, I get IOIs, I know what I need to do. I just dont do it.

Im really looking for solutions, therapists? Drugs? Injections? Anyone got a word on this autism?