From India, had fine jobs for 2 years, quit a year ago to join a Masters Program in Computational Linguistics. Been trying to work freelance, not many leads. Ended up working for my college friend's own startup, for a far lesser pay on part time due to college. We were both good leaders back at college in different activities. Always looked at him with professional respect and a bit of rivalry. Genuinely wish him well and don't get jealous of his success.

But, I question myself where I'm. His success doesn't bother me a bit, in fact I feel great because it inspires me and he has this blind positivity towards things. He's been going to different countries for business. I'm nowhere. There's some me comparison always going on within me. Again, no jealousy. Just my benchmark and standards are tied to what he's doing.

I'm not stable. Let my full time job, and working for his company, in addition to college. First year of masters done with quite average grades. Parents at home quite disturbed with my progress. I've given them four years of pain already, because of a long term depression that ate me away. I've no clue what I'm doing. I'm putting in the work both at college and the company but still achieving mediocre results.

There's a lack of motivation, and also constant questioning about existential things. Various other peers are done with MBAs, are working boring jobs or going abroad for studies and further jobs. I don't wanna do what they've been. I don't care about their template lives and goals. I have my own set of things I want in life and want to work hard for it. Nothing concrete, but want to build a company and give employment to people, make my old parents happy.

I really want to live for their happiness, I know I can't fulfil their expectations or live the way they want me to, but I want to give them that happiness. The thing is: nothing is moving. I've shelled in pretty bad over the years, have become an introvert, and scared of too much exposure to social media. I've pussied out pretty bad, and I used to be one of the best hard working people before.

I get up daily these days and go for a run