In "How to win friends and Inlfuence people", the first and second chapter states that I should criticize less and encourage more

SirKolbath · 2019-07-17T16:21:05+00:00

Dr. Glover, (NMMNG) is not saying you should never encourage and Carnegie (HTWFAIP) is not saying you should only encourage. They both are actually saying the same thing.

A Nice Guy^TM is normally "going along to get along". He's giving undeserved compliments to make peace and keep people happy. ("How do I look in this bikini?" Honest: "Like two rubber bands on an egg." Nice Guy: "Sooo beautiful!" Sotto voce: "Maybe she'll fuck me!") This is emotional manipulation. It’s as unfair as illegitimate criticism.

Examine the true reasons you're complimenting someone. Are you giving encouragement and praise to manipulate someone? Then you're being a Nice Guy^TM and you need to cut that shit out. Did your coworker actually do something worth complimenting? Then do it loud and proud.

I did that the other day. I've been out of my shop on other duties for the last three weeks and my coworker has been running it solo. I made damn sure our department head knew I couldn't be doing the job I am doing without my coworker busting his ass for me. He deserves at least as much credit as I do for the extra shit I've been doing.

People tend to shut off during criticism. Unfortunately, we've developed a society where we can't handle honest criticism or honest praise any more. I had a guy almost break down during a performance review I was conducting once. I'd given him superlative praise for a project he'd done entirely on his own and for which his previous boss had tried to take credit. I gave him all the credit, wrote him a glowing letter of recommendation, and requested that he be considered for a supervisory position. He literally had tears in his eyes when I told him. No supervisor had ever given this thirty year old honest praise before! How fucking shitty is that? He'd never been given an honest and positive review, always had to defend himself and his projects from bosses trying to steal his work and pretend it was theirs, to such a point that this adult man almost cried when his boss told him he was fucking awesome.

This is why I stress integrity so much in what I write for TRP. Be honest with the people around you. If they merit criticism (And if it is your responsibility to give such criticism), then give it to them as frankly and as honestly as you can.

If they merit compliments and praise, give it to them as effusively as you would correct them.

Never be afraid to give credit to someone who earns it.

Equally, never be afraid to criticize in a fair and honest manner someone you are responsible to criticize.

One final note: I have mentioned several times the responsibility of criticism. It’s not my job to go to other departments and correct how those people do their job. I have my own bailiwick and my own responsibilities. Nobody wants to have some dipshit who doesn’t even know what they do waddle in and start telling them they’re doing their job wrong. Before you start handing out criticism to anyone, make sure it’s somebody you’re actually supposed to be criticizing.

alaskanarcher · 2019-07-17T16:01:07+00:00

The opposite of "always seeks peace" is not "always seeks war". It just means that maintaining peace isn't the highest priority. Peaceful resolutions are often a good thing, but not when it means compromising yourself and not asserting your needs and value.

With respect to Carnegie, it's true that people want to be around people that make them feel good, and who are positive and encouraging. All the better if they know they can also rely on the person to stand up for themselves and possibly others.

These ideas aren't contradictory. They are kind of just separate concepts.

LeatherBoundWisdom · 2019-07-17T16:26:42+00:00

Carnegie shouldn't be read as a philosophy, but as a toolbox. "Here is what will make people like you". It's up to you to choose how and when to use what tools in achieving some goal.

No more Mr Nice Guy is more of a philosophy. "Here is what you should do for a healthy mind and a better life". You should adhere to all these tenets, for the most part, all the time.

northernCAgrown · 2019-07-17T16:02:36+00:00

You be a good friend and encourage them to pursue what they're after in life, that's not seeking to agree with anyone. Of your friend tells you he's going to rob a bank, you don't be a nice guy and tell him he's a dumbass.

Encourage the positive things in their life but hold yourself to your standards and moral compass at the same time.

Kobinks · 2019-07-17T16:27:40+00:00

From what I remember “how to win friends and influence people” was written almost a hundred years ago bro.

Times have obviously changed since then.

Absolutely any self help book should be taken with a pinch of salt, you’ll get maybe 2 pages of pure decent advice that is reiterated a hundred times in the next 200 pages of filler text. (No ones going to spend money on a 22 page pamphlet)

Your own boundary’s are set by you and your own experience though life, they’re completely subjective on the sort of person you naturally are.

Some people like the author of “How to win friends and influence people” have a “Wholesome” (debatably blue pill) perspective so they advice you to have wholesome interactions and treat other like you’d like to be treated.

Now I can’t tell you where you fit on this, only you know. I’m a believer that you should what is natural to you though. (A scrawny 5ft 5 lad with anxiety cant set firm boundary’s and shouldn’t try, it looks ridiculous)

I personally air on the side of Narcissism and set strong boundary’s with everyone because that’s naturally who I am, this is different than being an dick for no reason.

For minor interactions with people in public that you’ll never see again (Didn’t hold the door, bumped into you etc) you just ignore them and get on with your life.

For the most part I don’t need to ever set major boundary’s anymore because I don’t do relationships and I no longer work for anyone (I’m a Dj)

But when I did, I would be firm about whatever the issue is and not back down.

For example, an old boss wanted me to stay for 10 minutes after work to do something when I worked in marketing.

I asked him “am I getting paid for this?”

He said “No”

So I told him “if I’m not on the clock, this is now my time and I’m not doing anything”

He starts getting pissy about it and swearing

So he gets the “Don’t you fucking talk to me like that you silly cunt or I’ll knock you into next Fucking week”

I didn’t get fired suprisingly and never had an issue again with him.

As you can see, the way I deal with things is probably incredibly counter productive to living within society and it’s not something i’d recommend you doing.

It is however what comes naturally to me, I’d encourage you to introspect and figure out how you naturally feel about confrontation and stick to it.

I’d always stick more to being firm that a doormat though.

HurricaneHugues · 2019-07-17T22:18:13+00:00

If someone is taking shots at you, fire back.

If you're talking to someone you're on good terms with, bring them up with compliments and mention good things about them you like.

That's it. I don't understand why you're confused.

bwc663500 · 2019-07-17T16:59:56+00:00

I think of criticizing as telling people they are doing something wrong , even if it has nothing to do with you. For example, you notice your coworker cutting a pizza and he is making the slices too big, so you tell him something even though you aren't even eating the pizza.

At least that's how I see it. So you can still tell him he did a good job cutting the pizza , and that has nothing to do with your personal boundaries.

Throw83736282 · 2019-07-18T03:30:46+00:00

By always speaking at honestly and truthful as possible.

nothingtoshowguy · 2019-07-17T18:00:34+00:00

Stop reading those books.

Just lift, pretend to listen to what plates say and ask questions that make you look like you're interested. Then just fuck them.

Women are not puzzles. They want dick as much as we want pussy. It's not hard.

Stop being a little bitch and just start making them pursue you instead of pursuing them.

Title	In "How to win friends and Inlfuence people", the first and second chapter states that I should criticize less and encourage more
Author	The_Belony
Upvotes	20
Comments	14
Date	July 17, 2019 3:48 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/ceemgb/in_how_to_win_friends_and_inlfuence_people_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/in-how-to-win-friends-and-inlfuence-people-the.245776 https://theredarchive.com/post/245776

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