ok..I'm in my mid 30s. Live alone, and been single for 5 years. I have diagnosed Asperger's and mental issues from a difficult family/childhood. I'm also 5'6 which obviously has many women put me down. Been reading PUA and RP stuff on and off for ten years, know most of the theory, but struggle to put it into practice when my urge to be clingy kicks in. Work in a relatively low level service job in a gym.

I have 2 friends I met here on my local Reddit page (under my main account). They're the first "real guy" friends I've had, both a lot bigger and more confident than me, (and into sports and stuff), but they're great guys and they've done a lot to include me, and we (with a couple more of their friends) go to stuff a lot like bowling, local metal concerts, arcades, movies etc.

so anyway...friend T had a "fwb" from our friend group - older than us (we're both mid 30s), "E" who is just over 40. Left her long term partner (who she met at school) and wanted to meet more men. They broke up and T started dating a good friend of hers who is ten years younger, (early 30s), and it's serious. E seems to be completely cool with it, says they weren't serious, but started dating me, asked me out, possibly on the rebound.

We had a first date where she was all over me, and we kissed all night. A second date which was even hotter, we found a dark corner of a bar with a sofa and groped all night. She told me she was meeting other men on dating sites, and just wanted to be "fwbs", but I was cool with it. I just really liked being with her, I didn't mind sharing, I was just too excited.

That second date she told me she wanted to have sex on the next Saturday, (in 2 days time), and that she also wanted to go for a picnic in her favourite park. So we made the plans, and she was texting me cyber-sex and photos of her lingerie all though those 2 days.

Anyway..the day went wrong.

1 - I was tired. My crap job had forced me to do some days of overtime, and I was just zoned out. I wasn't "with it" enough to be an entertaining date like before.

2 - She met me in her car Sat morn, she asked me if I wanted to go to the park for the picnic we planned, or just straight to her place. I wanted to go straight to hers..but I said let's do the picnic. Because - I didn't want to seem like a crude animal - I wanted to bond with her (I felt like we'd become more romantic and were about to start real dating), and she had seemed so magical and child-like talking about how much she loved picnics there and how beautiful it was - I thought making that experience together would be better in the long term.

I knew it was wrong as soon as I said it - she seemed disappointed - but I crazily felt I had to keep with my initial decision and stick it out.

3 - the picnic was a wash out, it rained, I was too tired to chat or flirt properly, I needed a piss and there no bathrooms for ages. I mean, it wasn't horrible, we held hands and had a pleasant time, but there was no bonding or attraction.

4 - so anyway we went back to hers after a while, ate a nice lunch while watching tv, and then kissed for a while, then went upstairs. Thing is..I'd been fapping/jerking off too much that week...partly cause of my nerves about the dates, and partly because I was horny. I struggled to get a firm boner - I had one, but it was only semi firm. She was obviously disappointed, she gave me a blow-job and then announced she didn't feel like sex, so we hugged and kissed a little more, then she dropped me home. (few hours later I get the text that she "doesn't feel it's working out" and wants to stop seeing me)

5 - there was a couple other things. We had a really nice meal out together where we shared a platter, and she asked me...like begged me, to finish the last few bites, even though I was full. And ..I knew it was weird and I shouldn't do it, but she looked so fragile. So I forced myself to eat the last bite, even though I knew I was doing wrong, because of how emotional she was about it.

6- also, on the previous date, she wanted to put a selfie of us in the bar on facebook, and I automatically said no. Simply because I don't put anything on facebook - I just use it for reaching family/friends. I really regretted that afterwards - I feel like if I'd just allowed her to post the damn photo, we could be dating. I don't care who sees it, it was just an automatic no, I wasn't thinking.

Anyway, sorry about this word salad. I just...I've been re-inventing myself since then (a week ago). working out, eating right, reading everything from Jack Donovan to Jung. I just feel so sad. I really feel that even if we'd just stayed FWB, it would have given me the confidence boost to move on, but I fucked up so badly...I need to change...