I suck at talking to people other than my best friends :( help?

l0rdg00b3r · 2014-12-13T12:45:14+00:00

There's nothing anyone on here can tell you that will fix things. You just have to go out, put yourself in situations outside your comfort zone and fail a bunch.

There's no such thing as a "perfect" interaction. Stop trying to have one of those and get out there and learn from experiences.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T13:38:26+00:00

You need to learn game and you are starting at the bottom. The first step is to get comfortable making eye contact. Then to learn to have short meaningless conversations with strangers. Then more meaningful conversations. Then to get girls numbers and plate them.

How I accomplished with was by going out during the day to local malls. Do so five days a week for an hour or two a day. Make eye contact with people. Hold it. Smile and nod. Then walk up to them and ask them about their shoes or their jacket or how tired they look. Whatever. Just comment to them about something you notice. Amp up the conversations over time and take note of what works and what doesn't. Invite attractive women who give you IOIs, which you will come to notice, out to parties or coffee or whatever.

It's a learning process. Hell if you get desperate for a date just start asking random girls at school out to dinner. This worked like 1 out of 3 times for me even though back then I had no game.

SuperSlavisWife · 2014-12-13T14:26:25+00:00

I'm a bit like that, or was when I was younger. Tips:

1: Most people have set conversational patterns. People watch, be the fly on the wall, be quiet in conversation. Learn these patterns, how to tell what a person is going to be like from their appearance, posture and early conversation.

2: Practise at home. Go through different conversations in your mind, think of all the possible responses, from small talk to if you're confronted about something controversial.

3: Try cool and collected first. Wit comes later.

4: Meet people's eyes when speaking, let them talk first, then respond once they're done or interject if they're getting boring. Slightly intimidating people will make them more uncomfortable and more likely to see you as the most powerful speaker in the room. As you're a man, calculated interruption will work better for you than it does for me.

5: Learn "the monkey dance": how to turn any conversation around into a topic you are well-read in, enjoy and have rehearsed. Turn it into an art.

6: Use humour to save yourself. If something gets awkward, learn how to retract it, hide it or move on before the person has a chance to savour the awkwardness. Even self-depreciating humour is better than accidentally coming across as a pedophile due to a poorly phrased response.

7: Some people will just decide they don't like you and find any excuse to continue disliking you. Learn to spot this and don't overanalyze how they act.

8: If you make a mistake, don't dwell on it. You can't take a sentence or a first impression back. Just move on, as most of the other people in the conversation probably will.

9: If someone moves out of your social circle: who cares? Move on.

ekjohnson9 · 2014-12-13T13:50:32+00:00

They're called social skills not social tricks. Good communicators and good public speakers practice a fuck ton, from that frat dude that gets along with everyone at the watering hole to the Director of Sales who creates brand new lines of business over dinner or at an industry event. It's a skill, treat it like a skill. You want to be strong? Life weights. You want to be a social butterfly? Be social.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T16:23:51+00:00

before you can be good at witty conversation, you need to be good at the basics and just conformable in general. Start out with easy stuff, make generic comments to other people in line at the store, etc. Go out of your way to practice on people who you will never see again, and whose social approval isn't important to you.

This is another very useful one: disassociate yourself mentally from the situation. Pretend that you are an actor playing out the scene, or pretend you are "controlling" your body remotely like a video game character. In this mindset you can trick your brain to be less nervous about the outcome. This sounds weird but it was useful for me to get over some extreme social anxiety. You can do it.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T17:42:40+00:00

I was like that and I figured out that a lot of my problem was that I was a self-centered snob. It was difficult for me to face up to that because I thought I was harder on myself than I was on anyone else. All of my judgement was directed inwards, sometimes quite cruelly. I'd replay conversations in my head and kick myself for not being as witty as I thought I had to be. Other people were perfect and ok as they were and could get away with talking about the weather, but I had to say something special to justify my presence.

And with that kind of continuous, relentless self-critique and second-guessing, it went without saying that I was self-centered. I really wasn't paying attention to other people, I was so fixated on thinking of something clever to say that I was missing out on the interesting cues that were in the conversation itself, and I didn't notice that it wasn't easy for other people either to put themselves out there - they were actually making an effort and taking social risks and I wasn't reciprocating.

That's all very Dale Carnegie: "don't criticize, condemn, or complain", "become genuinely interested in other people", etc etc. I'd come across that advice years before and it had no effect on me. I didn't begin to figure it out until I had to share a cramped workplace with extroverts, who to my surprise I ended up liking, and then to my even greater surprise I ended up respecting because unlike me they had no pretensions or prejudices.

dancing_junkie · 2014-12-13T17:54:27+00:00

If your afraid that is just the feeling you get when you don't know how to do it. It's pretty simply just do it. I would even suggest not talking much, understand what your saying and fucking ask yourself if that word is needed in the conversation. It feels strange in the begging when nobody is saying anything but get the fuck over it. Meditate dude. Understand what your brain is saying and try to silence it.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T21:53:56+00:00

Then you need to go out there and suck. A lot. Only way to improve.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T22:18:48+00:00

Find a job as a busboy in a "busy" restaurant. Not a fast food joint but a real one that has a dining room with linens and a staff of waiters and waitresses who make tips. And dont give fuck about what your peers might think about you working there! I assume you're still in school. While you're out working, making money and saving it, your friends are home jerking off to porn and not being very productive.

Working in a restaurant is really fun. It's nonstop and you're busy with your hands all the time. You learn to work as a team with the staff and how to interact with customers thus improving your social skills. It's easy. The more you practice the better you get at it.

Make a game out of it. Be the best fucking busboy on planet Earth! Practice clearing and setting tables quickly and efficiently. Be a ninja and try and refill water glasses rapidly and quietly without being noticed. Just have fun with it. You'll develop confidence. What you learn about interacting with people on the job will carry over into your personal life.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T23:52:35+00:00

Lack of wit or not knowing what to say is how your problem manifests itself, but it is not your problem. You are afraid of people. Perhaps you are afraid that they will not like you, or you are afraid of making people uncomfortable, or something along those lines. When you approach someone or are introduced to someone new, trying to figure out what would be witty or what they would respond to favorably is not where your mind should be at. Just say what you want to say and stop giving so much of a shit.

Steve_Wiener · 2014-12-14T00:28:11+00:00

Practice makes perfect. Remember, everyone's favorite subject to talk about is themselves.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie

bigjimb0 · 2014-12-14T01:33:01+00:00

If you have anxiety/depression, get that taken care of through diet, exercise, therapy, and medication (if necessary).

You're getting too attached to something that won't always be there; friends move on with their own lives and won't have time for you as much, people die, etc. What would you do if they were gone? There are so many people similar to you and your friends, you just don't know it yet (and there can be people the total opposite of all you know, too which you may enjoy as well). Live life, connect with people, be happy.

94redstealth · 2014-12-14T02:06:19+00:00

the best advice I can give is teach yourself something about everything. and I mean everything. politics, religions, NASA, cooking, gardening, manufacturing, baking, cars, music, wine, sports, health, etc. the more you know the greater the chance someone will say something that you know about. talking about stuff you know is six billion times easier that bullshitting and chit chatting. I still find it difficult to start a conversation, but once the ball is rolling, I can usually dominate it.

-robknows- · 2014-12-14T09:18:08+00:00

I know your problem just by reading the title of your post. You haven't read the sidebar, and you are still an effeminate kid trying to out emote everyone for social plus points.

If you don't have a phone, get one. Have it on your person at all times so that if an awkward moment presents itself you can look busy in a flash. It's excellent for shutting down conversations you don't want.

Make a habit of saying "Hi >name<" to guys you know and like. Especially if you're sort of friendly but not best friends. People really appreciate it, like REALLY. Don't ever do it to girls though, that's how you get called a creep.

Play sports. This board is full of "go to the gym bruuhhhhh" tier people, but I personally don't like it. I love playing sports though, so I do it as much as I can. I like (Field) hockey, muay thai, windsurfing and cycling. Get into some sports, any sports and git gud. I recommend you try football, rugby (or handegg if you're that side of the Atlantic) and one of muay thai or boxing (no japanese stuff, no chinese stuff - there are too many mcdojos out there man). Sports are good. They make you friends and they make you fit. DO THEM.

Don't use :( or :) or :D during serious or semi-serious conversation over text/fb/whatever (In fact, I just cut it out completely). It makes you seem like you're trying out emotionate them or something and is generally effeminate.

Don't sound like you need rescuing like you're a damsel in distress when you ask for advice. In fact, don't ask for advice - always be the solver of your own problems. Be the guy people come to for advice because they know you're a solid guy. Don't complain to people and never, ever cry in front of other people.

Don't rush conversations. Take a second or 3 of silence to consider your answer. Don't rush - say what comes into your head. Your instincts will probably do better on their own than they will with your panicking into them. Smile when you talk, it will make you feel like you're enjoying yourself and will hence improve your "smoothness" in the interaction.

Don't get dominated. If someone is clearly trying to have their way with you in a conversation by making snide remarks and being generally rude, end the interaction in a way that makes it seem like they're being weird. "Urrrmm, ok well I'm going now. Bye", "Hahaha ok bro maybe we'll talk later when you're in a better mood.", "Ohhhhkkkaaayyyy". Follow the closing of the interaction by turning away to look at something behind you or whip out your phone and just browse your messages.

Don't be loud and autistic. Make jokes, but do them quietly and calmly and never rush the delivery. Telling jokes is an art and you should learn it. When laughing at a joke, try to have a laugh that's simple and not weird. Fun fact, these are both normal laughs. Your laugh should be enthusiastic but not autistic, remember that. Don't inhale sharply and don't sound like a seal - they're the worst kinds of laugh crimes. It doesn't matter if it's high pitched or low pitched or fast or slow or whatever. Just - not weird. Laughing is important, because when you do it, people like you more. When they like you more, your interactions will be just that much easier.

Don't look at the floor when you're talking to someone. Go 3 seconds of eye contact then 3 seconds off, looking at the walls or the floor to your side about 5 meters across from you. Just don't look down. When you're walking don't look down either. Look forward, pull your shoulders back, push your chest out (just a little though, too much and it looks like you're trying too hard) and lift your chin up. I remember being in the CCF at school and my drill instructor told me that I ought to be taller. I said "I can't be taller unfortunately sir", and he said, "Yes you can." and gave me the advice I just told you. If you act taller, people will think you're taller. If you act small, people will think you're small.

Last of all, be the guy you would like to be around.

[deleted] · 2014-12-17T05:09:49+00:00

I have small victories in social settings these days that improve my frame and confidence. One is simply talking to people as if there is no time limit and they have to back off. It improves your fortitude. Another is having a clear goal, like getting some knowledge from them. Don't just talk just to talk, although you can, but it helps to have a goal. A goal decreases inhibitions, just like bantering removes anxiety with hot girls, at least for me. Teasing increases rapport and builds connection. Also, make it a point to face people head on, so that you both don't feel as if you need to break contact at any moment.

nuetraveler · 2014-12-13T17:42:03+00:00

I'll go against the grain here and say that your problems with people are merely a symptom of deeper personal issues. You need to work on YOURSELF, first.

Become focused on your own life, and then the people issues will clear up of their own accord. That's a byproduct, not the initial product.

[deleted] · 2014-12-13T15:15:32+00:00

Practice. Force yourself into situations that require you to talk to people, such as volunteering or taking a related job.

I lived this: When I was young, I took a job as a tour guide for my university.

LosingMoneyAllDay · 2014-12-13T17:08:53+00:00

First off, get rid of emoticons in your online language.

AntixD · 2014-12-13T17:41:17+00:00

just imagine that the person you are talking to is a longtime friend

Title	I suck at talking to people other than my best friends :( help?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	29
Date	December 13, 2014 11:49 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2p60t0/i_suck_at_talking_to_people_other_than_my_best/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/i-suck-at-talking-to-people-other-than-my-best.26308 https://theredarchive.com/post/26308

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