(m, 24)

I'm a foreign speaker, please consider this while reading my post.

It first started 4 years ago with some long lasting friends from highschool - We were all some sort of addicts with weed/booze problems, but it was a nice and friendly social circle to be around. You had your wannabe-badboys, your typical drunk bully or some black guys making some money off the street. I was happy to be a part of that because evryone had his place.

For myself, I never was a man with a ultra high smv/status, but a calm and decent person to others. Your typical nice guy if you want to call it like that.

Well, the day had come and I luckily got a solid 9/10 with a basic approach at a bus station (back then I did not even know what an "approach" is). She was working as a model for magazines like vogue etc. and I felt like an absolute lucky bastard. Well, I really was one. After some months my 9/10 and I broke up because she was going to study law in New York. I wasn't sad, I knew this would happen months before because we talked about it alot. It was a short adventure, and I was happy with that. Got out of the relationship without any issues, and dated a girl online which I have known for years. Got into my first LTR.

The betrayal, or hate if you want to call it like that, started with some lent money I didn't get back by a female friend. My friends didn't told me, even tho they knew about it. I eventually realized it and blew complete up. Broke with the whole social cicle but was depressed and sad afterwards. I thought these were my friends and do not put a woman in charge.

Bro's before hoers, you know? Hah.

Well, lesson learned - Don't put too much trust in friendship.

I still got out with some people from this circle, and I didn't even recognise those people were just out there to sell me out. I felt so dumb afterwards. My gf didn't told about the approaches they made towards her behind my back, and ended up fucking (eventually) gangbanging those dudes. Because I lived with her, we had violent disputes. She was faking suicide, constantly lied and manipulated everyone including me. Drank that much booze so she would end up in hospital. And who do you know was at fault for this? - Me. I got shredded. Didn't want to go out anymore. Just do some work.

Lived with her for 2,5 years. Finally we "divorced", but she stole 500 bucks from my apartment. Told everyone I beat her up with no evidence whatsoever, said I would stalk her etc. She was clearly BPD, she showed me papers from her psychatrist about amnesia, chronic depression, alcoholism etc. I often got in situations involving alot of people, like she was drunk screaming at dudes, while she pissed in her pants. Right now, it still shutters me.

I just can't proceed with this. How can people be so ungratefull and full of hatred? Suddenly I wanted revenge. If I would see one of those bastards out there I would likely smash their head for everything they have done.

I have manic episodes. I think I'm deeply depressed. Even tho I got a new girl afterwards, I don't have any drive for women anymore. I feel emasculated because everyone in my district knows about this. I'm the evil one, even tho I hid her from the police, got her out of dangerous situations she initiated etc.

I drink too much. Sit alone in my room and don't want to get out. I have anxiety about going to the gym again since 3 years. Maybe 3 friends whatsoever. Still got my own apartment tho.

Please tell me,

How I can be courageous again?

How can I get rid of this anxiety?

How can I build a social circle again?

When I meet these guys, what shoudl I do? They all probably fucked her, and will laugh at me.

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I'm new to the red pill and very grateful for any help.

Kudos!