I know I'm going to sound like a pussy, but I'm hurting right now. I think I'm just writing this to be cathartic.

I swallowed the pill about a year and a half ago now. Haven't fully ingested it, but try to practice it as much as I can. I moved to New York for my company not knowing anyone except my coworkers. I completely changed who I was. Funny quiet guy, who's kinda cute to the man. Life of the party, center of the office, every girl in the office wanted me. I was sleeping with the one best of them. Going out almost every night.

I didn't enjoy what I did though and was coasting. I took another offer with a 30K raise and left the company. I never felt right about the decision, but I had never worked for anyone else before. I was doing what scared me, what made me who I was. From day one I knew I made the wrong decision. I came in with my same energy and was the man for about a week. Slowly lost my charisma and drive from there. I was fired after 5 months. Got a new job in 2 weeks, same pay, slowly going down the same path. The job that fired me just went bankrupt, saw that coming.

I was damned if I left, damned if I didn't. If I went back now I'd be a great employee, didn't know what I had. The people there were my social circle. I did develop oneitus for the girl I was sleeping with. I wasn't needy when I was there, I never checked social media, never worried what others were doing. I check it all the time now, even though I know I shouldn't. I used to find something great in everyone, never said a negative word, talked to everyone. I've reverted back to who I used to be. I don't have anyone to talk to. I also don't want to share any negativity with anyone. Before I knew bad times would pass and I would just tough them out. Now the bad times never end. I just feel so alone all the time. I've lost my conversational skills I had.

I go to the gym everyday, I run. I try to do new things whenever I can. I read. Now I just can't. I'll always exercise, but I realized the reason I liked doing things was to share it with my friends. I can't find motivation to do things now I have no one to share it with. I can't believe how far I've fallen. The only guy I see in a somewhat weekly basis is an excoworker who just broke up with his girlfriend. He was trying to sleep with the girl I was, but he didn't know it, when we worked together. He's a good looking dude, he tells me every time he sends her a flirty message. I'm not going to tell him about us, I want competition and she trusted me. She's receptive, but they haven't hooked up. I can't cut him out though because he's a good connection to other people and I can't be a chooser right now. I've fucked other girls, gone out with other people. None have made me feel like what I had.

I've deleted social media, I've tried going off the grid. I always come back. I don't want to be alone anymore. I spent 25 years not being social. I'm 26 now. I started so late, so I only have a social life from the past year. I'm holding onto some people I rarely see anymore because they are all I have.

I know Im operating in scarcity. I know I'm the only one that can help me. I hurt so bad everyday now I just can't motivate. It's not the pain as much as it is that I truly don't think it's going to get better. I think I threw away the only great thing I had. No one knows how bad I'm hurting, I somehow manage to put on good display when I see people. Becoming more hit and miss now though.

Fuck, I can't believe I'm still writing. Literally nothing for me to do at my job. I get paid more to do nothing. Time should be used to develop a skill, but every time I start something I lose all drive.

I guess I'll post this since I wrote it all. Only posting it here since the red pill turned me into the best man I ever was. I don't think I'll ever quit. I'm very proud of the man I became, just hoping he comes back one day.

I'm taking my next round of improv classes in January, I forget about things when I do that. I told myself I was going to learn italian this year. I want to learn how to mix music. I want to bartend at nights. I want to learn about wines. Probably would've already done it if I didn't fall off. Alright, hitting post.