Getting Over IT

luridlurker · 2015-03-31T19:43:33+00:00

I gotta admit though that my current view on relationships is really black and white and pretty much i just think of it as a massive power struggle.

This...this mindset needs to go.... or you'll never find an ally (but you know this).

I would suggest working on finding close friends first (guys and gals).

First, it'll give you practice letting people in and hopefully let you see some shades of gray (instead of all that black & white thinking). While friends can hurt you too, hopefully it'll be less of a fall. The bar is lower with friends. With friends, you don't have to be exclusive and 110% compatible.

Second, friends can be a wonderful sounding board and can hopefully call you out on your shit.

And last, friends offer the support you need to be braver with relationships... and can be there for you when one fails. They can also offer perspective, so you don't blame a break up 100% on someone else... and can actually see things you need to work on and improve before the next relationship.

Above all, try to have some empathy. Not everyone is going to like you... and that's ok. You have to respect people's decisions to drop or avoid you without holding it against them. At the same time, you have to recognize red flags, and avoid people who will intentionally use, abuse or betray you... without assuming everyone in the world is this way.

dallasdarling · 2015-04-21T23:17:11+00:00

If you want an ally, you have to look for an ally and also be an ally. Which does mean getting into what your partner is into, and making compromises, but also setting clear expectations for what you need out of your relationship. None of which is gendered at all. People are all just people. Go meet some people and make friends with some women first before considering them as potential romantic partners.

BaconLove101 · 2015-03-30T19:11:20+00:00

Black and white thinking is a sign of something more serious. It very rarely provides us with an accurate or helpful reflection of reality.. I hope the article I link you will give you somewhere to start. I think this is more than just how to be more open to people. You need to heal from your anger first.

Concreteiceshield · 2015-04-01T17:21:11+00:00

Dude i think you ready to find that one girl and settle down! A year ago i was juggling five girls now i got a baby on the way and i feel amazing.

Shadowmat · 2015-04-09T02:34:31+00:00

I suppose I should try and address this in a more "professional" way, instead of just casual talk which would come off as: "Holy fucking shit bud, cutting them off as "a favor" and at 32, are you fucking kidding me, wheres your self confidence"

First of all, anyone who tries to push people away thinking they're doing them a favour, is already a nice person, perhaps too nice I would say.

The truth is this, these people MADE A DECiSION to come and see you. In trying to cut them off before they get close, you're in a sense underooting their freedom of choice. You're trying to deny them the choice they made to approach you.

You have to realize that every relationship has risks, and most seriously "Dangerous" people (psychopaths,sociopaths...) wouldn't be pushing anyone away but only dragging them in closer.

You obviously have a lot of unresolved issues, you need to take the time to look at yourself and really consider why you're doing this. You're denying yourself the company you seem to need, and denying them the oppertunity for them to get to know you.

In a sense, this is evil. Think about it, you're hurting yourself and others, denying them the ability to exercise their freewill. You think you're doing them a favour, the truth is you're hurting everyone including yourself.

Take the time to analyze yourself and your situation, and if someone gets hurt, thats the risk everyone knows their taking, thats a relationship and theres a risk in everything.

It seems you don't want people to get to know you because you're afraid of being judged and rejected. You can't judge or reject what you don't know right? You claim to be strong but I would disagree, you come off as hurt and weak.

Just think about it.

mooenz · 2015-04-22T21:37:26+00:00

I don't want to be the person who comes in and says "You need therapy, it will solve your problems!" at the drop of a hat, but - I do think you need to talk to SOMEONE (friend, relative, some kind of trusted third party) about the things you mentioned above.

I suggest this because (as you acknowledged) so much of how you describe your mindset is in extremes. It's clear that you are trying to work through these convictions, and honestly, the best way to do that is just having conversations about it. Flesh out these ideas, bounce them off someone, have that person give you another perspective. After mulling this stuff over honestly, eventually you'll find examples of different situations and different ways of thinking about these things.

Hopefully you're getting some of those perspectives here, but I promise that the more conversations you have about these things, the easier it will be to let go of some of your anger and extreme convictions.

Luke631 · 2015-04-03T06:52:35+00:00

Was this post written by a girl? I'm being serious here.

Like when I read what is written, like it sounds like a girl wrote this crap like just to troll or some junk.

Title	Getting Over IT
Author	Concreteiceshield
Upvotes	9
Comments	17
Date	March 29, 2015 6:32 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/30q02f/getting_over_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/getting-over-it.300509 https://theredarchive.com/post/300509