hey, i read all the rules but i am on mobile so plz gently lemme know if i messed this format up.

what is the problem, and what do you think is the root of the issue?

long story short, i need to be a better person and partner. i’ve been selfish, unfaithful (never physically but that’s no excuse), dishonest, and manipulative. i would go so far as to say i inadvertently abused him. he is in agreement that for the last few months i’ve been significantly better, but i know for a fact he is still furious and distrustful (can’t blame him).

to give you guys an idea of my background, i spent 3ish years being a promiscuous, man-hating, hypocritical feminist with zero self-awareness. i let dozens—literally—of people use my body under the guise of self-empowerment. this really only stopped once a former flame raped me, a fact i confided in my captain about who motivated me to go to therapy. to top that all off, i have an incurable std (he knows) and heaps of internalized shame.

we’re working through things but i feel inconsolably guilty about who i used to be; the lies i told; the hurt i inflicted; and the fact i didn’t become my best self BEFORE settling down with him.

nearly all of my former friends were either just fake friends or outright bad people and influences, including feministic women and former hookups (i’ve since dropped all of those people. i don’t want to have bad friends anymore, but it seems like he’s the only person i hang out with and i’m painfully lonely most days (not romantically except when i miss him).

how have you contributed to and/or attempted to mitigate the problem?

i’m seeing a therapist (though i have to wait a bit to see her again, my work schedule isn’t stabilized yet). to work through my abusive mother’s narcissism and (unrelated perpetrators’) former sexual assaults i started a journal to aide me in practicing gratitude for him and our relationship. i offered to buy us tickets to a music festival and i’m also giving him as much space as he needs. trying to keep motivated by that but i’m struggling mentally.

what is your current relationship status and length of time? dating for 1.5+ years (almost 1y8mo). me - 21F. captain - 23M.