I am a little gleeful at the anticipated moron hatred this story might invite, but mostly I am genuinely curious how other monogamous men relate to this episode, and what women think of men like me or in my situation:

You are all going to have to bear with me here because I don't exactly know how to articulate or process this episode that occurred to me today and I was already long, long on the fence about the desirability of the condition it demonstrates, which I relate to being monogamous and conditioned by scent, association, orgasm, and emotional pressure, so, rambling stream-of-consciousness warning.

Got this co-worker, she's about 10 years older than me, kids just about off to college. She's a vegan too and we click about that- also she's the fun one that drinks wine and goes out dancing, compared to her sister our boss, who is like a stern-jawed, scowling Christian woman. So we vibe a bit- I cant tell if it's flirtatious or not, probably a little. She looks pretty good, she's been losing weight for like a year, paunchy but very, perky in manner, beautiful posture, very radiant, friendly face, copied my wife's haircut so her outline is the same from the shoulders. Probably that's relevant in my reptile brain.

anyway we are talking as we do about weight lifting and training and shit, and her personal trainer, who is like an Instagram ass show-off trying to start up an ass-based gym franchise for women.

So she passes me by while I am working and holds up her phone and I look, because she often sends me like vegan memes or menus when she's about town, while saying something about the woman. But I didn't process the speech because I was in work-mind and distracted by the screen coming at my face, and I glance and it's that trainer lady's IG ass shot, and I like full-on went hot with embarrassment. I work in a cold af warehouse and all day was trying to get warm and immediately after, I need to strip off 2 layers to cool off from the heat of the shame.

So what the fuck is that? I can't tell if it's because there were other guys around gawking as she approached me, just stupid open mouths in my peripheral vision, or if it's because sometimes I wonder what this co-workers panties look like and other such wanderings- for some reason I often imagine slapping her vulva with a cake batter spoon- or if it was because I was on guard being shown sexually stimulating imagery by a woman who might herself be ashamed or offended or jealous if I react this or that way, or what. what the fuck?

So I get to thinking about the sensation of the embarrassment and it occurs to me, I only have real memories of it in the context of sexy time with the wife going badly, like if I have to fart or am fucking up a knot and she's already all heated up, stuff like that. I am very susceptible to ego-wounded boner-kill in general and do not laugh anything off, it's something I have been working on for about a year.

So I wondered today after the awkwardness at work (I also said something stupid in my off-guard blushing hahaha) if the fact that I felt this sensation just out in the wild, not in some intimate and private setting.

so then tonight, after work, I am with the wife and worst fear of all, no warning or preamble, toot a little fart. Didn't break my stride at all. We giggled and I ran from the room to control the damage and ordered her to the opposite corner of the bed and I very quick-thinkingly grab some lotion that smells delicious, glob it on her breasts and near her face, and resume play.

anyway, what the fuck? It got me thinking about my suspicion that my dick will never even work again in front of anyone without my wife in the room, and whether that is a desirable state or not.

is that like, a good place to be as a monogamous man, or is it sad?