« You’re a nice guy »

You don’t give me tingles, but being around you feeds my ego.

« Chad is such an asshole! I’m grateful you listen to me rant »

Chad makes me wet, he’s on my mind, I can’t get him to commit so I’ll dump my emotions on you instead.

« Why can’t more guys be like you? »

Why can’t the guys I want to fuck validate me the way you do?

« She’s a bitch, you deserve better »

If you date her you won’t give me attention and listen to my feeeelz, don’t leave my orbit please.

« You look different somehow »

Your SMV has increased, you’re on my radar.

« We don’t talk like we used to, I miss you » 

Either You left my orbit, I want to pull you back in.

Or Your SMV is higher, I missed out and want to fuck now.

« I’m not a slut. »

I am a slut.

These things are all obvious to an extent, but it helps to remember how to translate womanese.