I had always been very quiet and submissive for years until I was 17 and slowly started doing more things I liked, though I always had to serve my parents when they wanted something, that sucked.

When I got kicked out of home to university, I found extremely great freedom, this is where I started forming a new reality by becoming a pick up artist, when I stared seeing good gains. Anyway, the part I realized lately thru meditation I'd that always felt stuck, oppressed and negative. I have this pessimistic future view. Later I lost my mother to cancer and developed ptsd like dark triad behavior traits without seeing it at the time.

SobNo matter how many chicks I fucked and the 2, 2 years ltrs I had I am always afraid for the future, No matter my gains after 3 years of gym or my good looks I get stuck. I try to have a positive outlook but it just feels like creating panic and anxiety to me.

I learnt to see and take advantages from people and I took opportunities like a madman, all in a dark nature. I got out of a 2 year ltr 3 months ago, and despite the fact that I gained more lean mass ever since, enriched my wardrobe and cleaned my style I find myself facing more challenges in life than ever. I recently picked up a handful of lemon haze from a friend and smoked weed meditating these days.. Everything feels harder, 1 year ago I'd get crazy chances to fuck lots of women and I did nothing, I just dressed good and talked to people or sth. Nowadays I do good in this but it goes too slow, I opened a few girls, some showed interest some rejected. I'm just stuck in a loop.

What do I do from here on?