Throwaway for obvious reasons.

Pardon if some of this reads as a bit offensive, explaination at the end.

I ended up choking on the redpill after a couple of years, and have since gotten some help with it. But there are some things that are buried hella deep, and i kinda hope someone here has been through the same, and can maybe give me some pointers.

I mean, i realize the actions the redpill teaches are bad, but here are the things that still trouble me:

  • I still fundamentally believe, emotionally, that women are machiavellian psychopaths, looking for even the slightest reason to destroy a man, just so they can be smug about it. Choking on the redpill only kinda become refusing to be equalizer horrible back.

  • I emotionally believe feminism is truly, utterly evil. A tool women collectively use to establish power over men, to attack men in such a way where its not socially acceptable to fight back.

  • I emotionally believe that men with emotions are weak, snivelling wrecks that break down at the slightest provocation. Men can either deny all emotion, or none. We are disposable, and this is our only defense.

  • I emotionally believe that if you Even show a smidge of emotion, another man who doesnt do so will swoop in and take everything from you, because hes stronger and because he can.

  • I emotionally believe that any waking moment not spent being 100% productive and trying to fuck others over will result in the same happening to you.

    However, I do not want to. I really really wish I didnt do it, but the redpill installed that basic fear in me, and i cant shake it.

Because I want to do the opposite.

I want to have a weekend here and there where i can be a soft/femboi. I want to rest my head on my girlfriends lap and be told everything is gonna be okay. I want to recieve headpats and maybe even do other beta stuff.

The intellectual part of my brain tells me the girlfriend would be down with it too no problem.

But i have the fear. And i am really scared of going outside the very tiny male prison the redpill has created for me. And the fear is very real, and keeps me up at night.

That said, i am working with this with a very positive therapist, but i kinda wanted to both vent it, and see if there are others who have gone through the same?

How was your journey? How did you Shake the alpha/beta mentality and become more?