I lost what I believe was something I will never find again. I had finally separated from my baby’s mom of 13 years. Two months in I was going strong alpha, but unchecked and ignorant to how to act and make the correct decisions.

I worked in a brand new dispensary, in a state where MJ has just become legal. I am a tall good looking guy. Many girls wanted to fuck me but I was awkward because I didn’t have much experience and I grew up on historical feminism and never had a dad as he left when I was a baby. I was very respectful to girls and while alpha outside I was beta inside.

The most beautiful girl who came in to the dispensary kept coming in and flirting with me. She basically took me out and fucked me immediately. I thought it was awesome and that I was the man. She was cheating on her husband with me because she said he didn’t care. She was mad because he let one of his friends fuck her while he watched and participated. True cuckold.

She became obsessed with me as my SMV increased every day as more and more women began showing interest in me. The biggest mistake I made was getting her a job with me. Then it all went to hell. Her SMV increased because she went from being a lonely stay at home mom to now having friends and being invited places and having an awesome life that she needed me for until I bought her into my world.

Long story short over the course of time I became more beta, specifically displaying symptoms of neuroticism and being reactionary. I alienated people in our circle who were important to us and kind of separated myself from everyone except her. They ended up taking her away from me and she allowed it to happen.

I became an AFC as she slowly separated herself from me. I gave her everything she wanted and then she didn’t need me so she cut me out of the equation. I pushed her away. She was so into me though. All she did was talk about me and how much she loved me and she didn’t care who knew she wanted everyone to know for a really long time. She tried so hard to stay with me even through my beta transformation. I lost my job and then it really went down hill. She purposely put nails in the coffin. She fucked a guy that works there. She had orgies. She started drinking and doing drugs. She lied to me and said bad things about me to make me look like a fool. She led me on for a couple months too. She just couldn’t take it any more and needed to be done and it was the only way she knew how because I kept breaking up with her and coming back and she took me back and over and over and she just snapped. I don’t blame her. I should have trusted her but I didn’t trust myself. It really was legit the real deal. She did everything she could to be with me. I just pushed too far with bad decisions and becoming a pussy. I embarrassed her.

She also has a very fast spinning rationalization hamster. I had to find out from someone else. I feel like she is now tarnished, used up trash, used goods but it kills me because of what we had. It could have been a scarcity mindset on my part. It also could be I am fabricating what I wish was there. But there were times I even thought about that while it was happening to make sure it wasn’t that and it wasn’t. She truly desires me. It was in her eyes. She had a vulnerability that screamed help me tommy. That she needed me to be an alpha for her and she would have loved me and only me forever. We were the perfect fit. She was 29 I was 34 we were the perfect height, perfect looks for each other, I have 3 kids she had 2 and we loved each other’s kids.

But all the while we also had serious problems with our spouses we were trying to separate from. I became more and more beta and tried to rely on her for strength but I should have been her strength. I took the best thing I ever had and became weak and lost it.

I feel like she is just lashing out now because some of what she did she did specifically to hurt me. She wouldn’t have done it otherwise these were specific incidents. She needed me. I ended up needing her and that is where I failed. I lost my alpha and she needed an alpha and I don’t blame her. It’s her instinctual desire. But now I see she is the definition of hypergamy but she doesn’t know that. If she would learn about redpill and read Rollo Tomassi Rational Male I feel like it would make her look at her life and her choices differently. And she would then be able to better control her instincts and be with me. Let me play my role as kind and hers as queen.

But I think it is all gone. I think she may have died inside and there is no coming back. I can get all the pussy in the world. It’s not worth it to me to spin plates. But that is what she is doing. I believe that she would not have left me for a bigger better deal. She loved me and I believe as long as we had necessities and a bit more she would have been with me forever.

Everything I have learned from researching the shit out of red pill and the rational male and stoicism I see that she was a scared little girl who needed me to be her daddy. I say that in the right way. Not a father. But her daddy. I understand it now. And now that I see where I failed and pushed her away I know how to correct it but I feel it is too late. I want her and only her. Oneitis? Other girls don’t do it for me. I just don’t care about them. I want her back. But she may be gone.

What we had was not a fabrication. It was a real thing and I destroyed it. I could have been so much better if I understood how to be a man. Now that I do I feel like it is a day late and a short bus. It is killing me inside.

I want her back but I will never be able to see past what she did. I’ll never be able to trust her again. So I have to move on but I could be Chad and fuck 1000 smoking hot college girls and it won’t fill a void. She really was it for me and I was it for her. We were perfect with each other and it wasn’t bullshit. I know the principals in the manosphere say what we had was stereotypical and a lot of it was but I see clearly some intangibles were not. I just don’t know what to do. She didn’t have to go as low as she did but it was my fault for losing her. She would have stayed with me forever. I just became a bitch and she needed to be done with me and I don’t blame her. I lost the best thing I ever had and it was not a lie. It was not bullshit. I had something with her. And I fucked it up and I’m just destroyed. I’m really struggling to move on. What should I do try to get her back or move on to meaningless fucks. Thanks in advance.