I stumbled across this subreddit earlier today, and it seems to illuminate a lot of the reasons behind a wide range of social dysfunction. I still think there's some oversimplification going on at times, and there are large chunks of the population this perspective doesn't apply to, but after pondering a bit I'm convinced many of the core concepts here are amazingly accurate for the people they do apply to.

Like plenty of other men who tend to default to beta mode, I've been depressed most of my adult life. The moments when I've been happiest were almost always when I took on a more alpha role & outlook... yet circumstances and lack of knowledge in my younger years led to me into situation after situation where I felt too 'trapped' and beat down to do that, in addition to feeling like there wouldn't be sufficient reward for me if I did. The depression and default beta behavior feed off each other, and when you combine that with the overwhelming desire to be nurtured which pretty obviously can never be satisfied (thanks for the brainwashing, Hollywood/Disney), 'stepping up' gets harder and harder. I am weary of everything, and find myself reverting to the extreme self-preservation mentality of avoiding any risk whatsoever-- not that there's much self left to preserve.

At this point, I'm going on 10 years in my latest attempt at a relationship (we've been married for 5) and it's been failing badly for much if not most of that time. She gained weight early on instead of losing it like I was expecting, then got upset with me when I started losing interest in the bedroom. I've experienced a ton of guilt for this over the years and still do. Nonetheless, while I feel like a complete asshole saying this, if I look back with all honesty, her weight gain seems to me like the root of many of our issues. There are lots of things we disagree about, but the fact that I'm not physically attracted to her any longer is almost certainly our worst problem.

The thing is, she's pretty much an awesome person overall - in a lot of ways I feel like she's more mentally/morally healthy than I am - and the reasons for her dysfunction are very understandable. Her father is kind of a jackass (she never had a good relationship with him) and she's experienced a lot of painful things over the years. She became very stubborn as a result, which sometimes can be a good thing-- but when combined with the influence of certain ideologies, it can also lead to faulty assumptions that she will viciously defend out of unfounded fear that she is being manipulated. She's bitter about my lack of attraction, and while I don't completely blame her, I also strongly doubt if she will ever accept the fact that I can't help it.

Anyway, after a recent fight, I thought we were headed for divorce (as sad as it is, I was almost relieved), but once things cooled down she more or less told me that for various reasons she wants to give it another 5 years. We've agreed that I'm going to quit my fairly good-paying job to pursue doing something I actually enjoy (my idea, not hers) and she is going to pursue dietary & exercise changes. Between those things and some of the advice I've read here, I feel like we might have a shot at reviving this thing eventually... but I still have my doubts.

The bottom line is that I'm worn out. I'm getting too old for this shit and have kind of given up. I've sacrificed so much of myself in soul-crushing acts of submission to try to 'fix things' over the years (to several women before this one as well) in what I now realize was utter futility that it's scarred me. If/when this relationship ends, I don't want another one. There is far too much risk of it turning into a giant time & energy sink that destroys more than it builds. At this point, I think hookers and intoxicants would be enough. I feel like I will never be able to have what I really want (i.e. a woman who can be all things, capable of nurturing behavior when I most need it without getting turned off, but who also enjoys being more submissive when my alpha comes out)-- so I might as well settle for whatever consolation prize I can scrape together for myself. I think I might be able to achieve more happiness, but the odds of a life I see as truly, wholly fulfilling seem increasingly slim. Reality sucks.

That's how the red pill makes me feel right now.

This may not be the place for this kind of rant, but these thoughts have been bubbling up for a long time and all coalesced after I spent some time here, so I figured I'd post it. Vote and/or comment as you see fit.