Fuck man fuck Onetis and anger

jesus fuck man i can’t help but feel i blew it (18M), 3 months ago i started hitting it off with a chick i went to highschool with (18F), we started talking first semester college and man she has everything i find attractive in a girl, curly black hair check, plump and physically in shape, smart and literate check, chemistry and meaningful convos check, dated a couple of times and we started getting intimate (making out, groping etc no sex)

here’s where i think it gets fucked: she asked me where i think this should go, i said and bear with me here “we’ll just see what happens i don’t want to force anything on you and create rules i’m having fun let’s keep it going” . it was till i noticed i was the only one making plans she flaked claiming she was tired 2 times in a row(she was manager at hair place so possible?) i thought by not initiating this would create SMV by showing idgaf but that clearly didn’t work she stopped texting too.

fuck man i can’t help but think i shot myself in the foot and fucked up somewhere and i feel fucking pissed and sad wondering what could of been if i failed a shit test or something, she’s on my mind more often possibly because this is the first chick who i became intimate with. Fuck apart of me remains blue pulled and thinks it was special and it’s my fault creating rationalizations, but right now i’m just fucking angry at everything and sad that nothing came to be i don’t want to swallow the pill that she doesn’t give a shit but it’s most likely true,

she just exited a LTR with some dude in highschool. here i am with fucking onetis thinking about her and having feels fuck man i don’t know i feel like breaking down in the dark like a bitch. obviously this is a confidence issue i just don’t know anymore so much shit to carry as a dude i feel like such a pussy not being able to forget her. i started lifting and working out after and focusing more career endeavors and school.

Does this blow over? because it sure as shit doesn’t feel like it i found her insta and fuck she’s so gorgeous man and it was confirmed she doesn’t give a fuck she had photos with her ex still posted when they went to prom, i had to delete insta because i feel fucking cucked because i let myself care. idk anymore bro’s i’ve been really depressed and ultimately it stems from fear and turns into anger.

i literally have nobody to talk to about it everyone else i know IRL is bluepilled as fuck.i feel fucking lonely man soo fucking lonely and it’s just digging deeper and deeper the more i try to fight it the more it digs. the loneliness is even in my fucking dreams! i know right so much beta cuck behavior fuck i’ve contemplated many times to just end it and came close yesterday but i keep coming back to theredpill listening to your advice saying i’ll be patient, “toughen up pussy” “quit being so fucking blue pilled faggot”. I’ve resorted to praying to some god who i think i communicated with on an lsd trip it communicated to me and basically told me chill out and this is apart of the conscious experience love those that love you (siblings/mother)

i had another fucking ephipany how shitty my confidence was when i took dmt, it stems from childhood i’m introverted as fuck grew up without a father (go figure), i took a hard look at my psyche and saw a scared beta bitch who puts on a mask but realized everyone is doing the same or lying to themselves. Everyone is just imposing their beliefs one another especially in theredpill the message is sound but perhaps i’m not understanding it. “pursue your own goals” “bitches ain’t shit they’re apart of the prize” “self improvement don’t be a bitch and focus on yourself” “lift weights and eat right beta fag”.. perhaps i’m just in the anger stage where oneitis made me realize how fucked i am. i have no clue how to get over it other than time progress and exercise . i been working on areas of my life in school and physical but fuck man it feels like the only people i relate to are people on the internet who the blue pilled public thinks are fucking schizos or womanizers.

idgaf for the long post,i created a throwaway just so i can release these feelings, everyone else IRL is fucking blue pilled and would say some bullshit about listening to your heart and someone is out there for me i found the more realist ideas on this communities and other deep internet communities.

TDLR: purple pilled pussy with onetis bitches about his problems on reddit because nobody gives a shit IRL