It’s painful to say but I’m well and truly mediocre at everything I do. I’m no genius at any subject. I avoid doing a lot of things and just do what’s required. I don’t see the point of “going the extra mile” when all it entails is more work.

The only “skill” I have mastered is going through my problems, mainly CPTSD. Although I am making progress in my healing, at the age of 25 I feel as useful as a 7 year old. Also, I have learned the supposed truth about life and society. Not sure what value that has for me.

Being alone and MGTOW, I have become more interested in maths and physics. I would love to change careers from a therapist to a software engineer. Not sure how long it will take me to get there. It has been difficult trying to study maths and physics in my own time. I would love to pass the physics and maths A-level to gain entry to a software engineering degree.

However, this makes me think that I HAVE to be a human doing rather than being. It makes me anxious and depressed tbh. So that’s why I want to focus my attention towards curiosity rather than external validation. It’s like how Richard Feynman couldn’t care less about receiving award for his discoveries in physics. Instead, he said that it was a privilege to discover something new.

There aren’t enough positive things in my life to justify all the effort. Maybe that’s short sighted. I could go on and on about the abusive I had from my parents, school and constantly reminded that I am a foreigner. It’s difficult to do everything from within.

Being curious, wanting to be wealthy and doing something worthwhile are the three things that will motivate me. Funnily enough, the things I do as a therapist have no effect for me. I feel like I am selling water. Basically, many people’s problems can be solved if they felt connected and loved by others. Like how our ancestors were with sticks and stones.

I feel that the more I work with people, the more I want to work with computers and AI instead. I know, it’s gonna be a gigantic effort to steer my “ship” into another direction. I just want to have the motivation you get from sunshine and implement it into all areas of my life.

Idk I feel like I am rambling and not taking action. It’s hard to take action in a world that would rather you be obedient and a serve.

Anyways, thanks for reading folks. Have a great day =)