Long time lurker and supporter of fellow men, who feel kicked to the curb by society, here.

I also come from a past of being either used, abandoned for better options, rejected for better options, etc in varying settings of society.

Without delving into too many details, i would just like to share a mindset trick i’ve been using to get my life on track since the last time i had suicidal thoughts.

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The biggest thing that held me back from growing after trauma, was anger and pride. Anger at a society, pride which stopped me from asking for help. Misplaced or not; the fear of asking for help, revealing a weakness, was very real. Also very cliché, i can imagine.

Partly as a fear of being stigmatized further by that same society or feeling like i “gave in” or “gave up” to pressure from outside to label me as broken or a loser. Very much a “me against the world” feeling.

And though true, i lost a lot, i also developed a loser mentality. One that developed over years by having a real high bar for myself, punishing myself when it went wrong, this then manifested itself in massive disappointed self-image due to stacking failures (in my eyes).

At the same time I did everything to be accepted in a new country i moved too, not setting similar bars with new acquaintances. But letting their personal boundaries totally overrun mine, as i had done for years.

Sometimes i felt disrespected or violated, and i would think of something to say, to which my gut reaction would always be: “Yes, but..” Which added to this self-hate and disappointment in hindsight.

This again comes from exclusively receiving negative feedback as a child and adolescent in many settings. My default way of looking at myself was exclusively with criticism and self-loathing.

The reason i call it a loser mindset, is because i had unconsciously developed a cautious and scared underlying personality. A highly pessimistic and negative boy, under the guise of “careful” man. One that said to every opportunity: “Yes, but..”

The one time this saved me, was when i was standing in a window frame in the middle of the night only a few weeks after moving to another country and job for the 10th time.

Exhausted from crying and not sleeping, not thinking clearly after losing a LTR for moving, a job i liked. forced to leave a country to escape unemployment and again lost a place i got accustomed to. I could not see my future unfold in any other way than badly, just a recurring version of eating society’s shit in different iterations ad infinitum.

In that moment of despair I contemplated jumping. I dont know how long i stood there, but I was desperately looking for some logical reason to overwrite the emotional crisis and past traumas and anxieties, alone. Practically my whole life flashed by, but with the scrutiny of a pessimist.

Until i thought a lifesaving thought: ‘I could commit suicide. Yes, but..’

I was even a loser or quitter when it came to ending a life that in my own eyes, at the time, was a complete failure. Maybe that was a good thing tho. Perhaps only successful people have the capacity to really go through with this? I dont know. Again, a negative reflection on my situation, however dire.

The thought that kept me going that night, was the idea that if I was so afraid to live, that i was prepared to face death, why was I not going through with this? Also, what was there to lose if I tried everything life has to offer, of suicide is always an option? A comforting, but dangerous thought.

I ended up getting down from the window, more confused than before. Having no one to talk to made it hard to sort it out, so I was poised on finding a way to change this thinking. To get help, really.

The first people I asked were two guys I met at a social event in the first week I was there, who i really looked up to (they are now some of my closest friends).

Asking for general help about simple things to improve my (self)image, - without giving a real reason.

They gave me some tips on self-improvement: diet, lift, tips on dating, etc. With every tip came an addition tho: they asked for help on everything.

Diet, lifting program and growth, study, work, all of it. Friends who they knew or professionals they had worked with. They had a coach or go-to guy/gal for everything. I never had these kind of connections.

That’s when i realized i really needed the same for my brain. I never considered a psychologist or psychiatrist, because i thought that was for really mentally ill people. Like a doctor would only be there for people who just had a car accident.

But that’s maybe not my issue, in spite of having depression and suicidal thoughts. I needed someone to help me improve and train my brain, like a spotter in the gym, a dietician in the kitchen or a consultant for a company that’s stuck in scale-up phase.

There is one trade-off though: If i wanted to get help in my life; i would have to share my life. My mind however was ready with the typical ‘yes, but people will take advantage of it again.‘ Etc.

Now more aware of this process than before in my life, i intervened and said to myself: ‘no, i need a coach. A brain coach.’

It may sound simple, but it shattered the taboo and prejudice i held in my own head (of course learnt from society). It gave such a different frame of reference. If i would focus in having better eating, training or working routines, why not also work on thinking routines?

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It’s been 3 years now, and i cannot imagine not talking to at least a friend or a “shrink”, just to keep my thoughts in check. Ti take responsibility for how I think, as well as how I live in general.

This routine, in whatever form, may be a normal occurrence to many, but for me it was a lifesaver.

Hope it helps someone else overcome their prejudice, fear or go beyond their stigma and bad self-image, to ask for help. I still have burdens, but i can handle them like a 105 kg (200 lbs.?) squat workout nowadays 🏋️‍♀️

Lots of love and thanks for reading.