We all know that the drumbeat in popular culture relentlessly tells women that they don't have to "settle" and that they can have it all if they hold out for it all. But every strategy to "hold out" for not settling is another form of settling.

If she waits for Mr. Perfect, she's settling for her current life without Mr. Perfect.

The longer she settles for a current life of waiting for Mr. Perfect, the more of her life is one, long coping strategy of settling.

If she gets married (or into a long term relationship) with Mr. Second Choice, with the plan in the back of her mind what she will move on when Mr. Perfect finally arrives, she is settling for these years with Mr. Second Choice.

If she waits alone for Mr. Perfect, she is settling for current loneliness.

If she rides the cock carrousel while waiting for Mr. Perfect, she's settling for men using her for sex, and we know where this leads.

If, after being used, she settles for the only man willing to marry her, this is precisely the form of "settling" that women's media most excoriates.

If she settles for the status of wine aunt and cat lady, she has acknowledged that Mr. Perfect is never manning up and marrying her.

It's not a question of whether or not you settle, it is a question of that for which you settle.