I’m a senior in HS, and about half a year ago I got out of a year and half long serious relationship. Even though we were both in HS, we both took it very seriously, and I was happy and successful in life during this time (though not always happy with her, more on that later). She ended things about 5 months ago now, and basically left me for another guy, which only lasted less than a week. She ended up dating someone else about 2 months later, and that lasted less than a month. I have not spoken to her since about 3 weeks after the break up, in which I pitifully asked for her back DESPITE her leaving me for another guy (whom she had already cut contact with), in which she basically said she needed more time. A week later I told her I was done waiting and that I agreed we simply shouldn’t be together. Haven’t spoke to her since, and I probably never will speak to her again.

While we were dating, I was super successful with life (mainly grades), but I never felt a true connection. Whenever I would try and have a serious convo about anything, she would avert it for some reason. We were intimate but I refused to go all the way with her, despite her wanting to do so. I don’t think she cheated on me (don’t have any evidence either), but she did end up leaving me for someone else, which hurt. I wonder if my refusal to go all in intimately was a subconscious sign of me realizing her true character and intentionally holding back? Anyways, let me get to the point of why I’m saying all this.

I still feel pain from the breakup, and I don’t know why. I knew she wasn’t the one for me before it ended, but I constantly feel like a failure for misjudging her character (never even thought she would go as far as leaving me for someone else, etc). My grades have gone way down this year compared to last, and although my social life / health remains the same, my lack of effort for school worries me, and makes me feel like my life has been derailed over some stupid breakup.

I’m still fighting between the blue and red pill, and wether I genuinely want to pursue another woman in my life in hopes of a connection and ultimately marriage. (FYI: have not even spoke with other women since the breakup, have no desire to be in another relationship nor hookup). As of now I am planning to try and find a potential wife in college, but is this a futile path? Are all women going to end up betraying me despite my commitment, faithfulness and affection? And why do I still feel pain over the breakup? Do I need to loosen up and pursue girls again to get it out of my system or something?

Thanks for reading, and I hope what happened to me evades all of you. It is truly one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in terms of self esteem and confidence.