Fuck it. Ill let it all out... 3 years ago i lost my virginity to an escort which was a year after highschool. I continued doing it to fulfill me needs without having to put in any effort and it didnt dent my bank account and actually helped me focus on other things. But there's this feeling inside that im still a virgin for not putting in the effort like most guys. I feel like a loser not gonna lie and my hormones at this age doesent help... Constantly reminding me of what im not getting. It keeps telling me the effort is what makes it really count and it makes me miserable. And its not like i havent tried.

In highschool, i had 2 girlfriends but we broke up before things got anywhere. My first gf was a virgin put she said she wanted to wait till we were both 18 and how she wasnt ready, i had to break up with her because i wanted to see her more then just at school but couldn't due to her parents having a tight leash on her whereabouts. The second one dumped me because she found some else. I was torn. We did everything together. Fell asleep on face timing eachother everynight. Do literally everything except sex every weekend because our parents or siblings were always home so alot of the time we'd go out and enjoy eachother's company. When she dumped me, it was cold blooded.

She straight up told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me anymore & then ghosted me and after that my bestfriend at the time told me he saw her with someone else. I was devasted. I loved the her so much. Girl of my dreams. At that point i wasnt the charismatic dude i use to be. I became self-conscious, full on anxiety, stopped caring about how i dressed and became very anti social.

I dont mean to sound like a victim but my heart was shattered beyond belief. There was no way i could move on at the time being so blue pilled and a sensitive guy who always came from the heart. I missed out on so much due to being so sad and depressed. I was so withdrawn from everyone for the rest of highschool, always by myself. Its almost as if i lost a part of my essence. Once i got over it, i was completely turned off of love and companionship becuase they way she did me through all that we've been through gave me a slight feeling that women dont meet you half way when it comes to the feeling in your heart you feel for them even though they make it seem so real, and on top of that, highschool was already over.

I felt like a loser for being still a virgin at that time. So i went to escorts to cut the games out and get to the point. Many escorts later i still felt like a virgin, for not putting in the effort like everyone else even though im told its not special and didn't miss out by friends. So i went on tinder and found a girl that i wasnt really attracted to , ( but she wasnt ugly, atleast with make up) to have the "experience". She made it easy after talking for about 30 mins. She thought i was attractive wasnt looking for anything serious.

After that ordeal i felt the same emptiness despite her and i being cool with eachother. I think it may be that i had to pay for her uber cuz she was in a nearby city and didnt have a car. It rubbed me wrong because it felt like i was paying for it. She did buy us both food but still... & Her making it easy didnt help. I eventually found this sub and after the taking red pill, it turned me off of approaching women and/or taking opportunities and now know its a waste of time.

It also helped me put the pieces together that werent adding up with my exes and past women that i was interested in. But my brain still lingers in the background that theres something missing. As if getting sex without paying a penny is the only way to feel the "validation" or ego boost. It sucks. Tired of society putting it in my head that i have to be this guy that gets pussy easily. The music, instagram, famous youtubers. So hard not to feel like i dont measure up... Just thought id put my heart out on how ive been feeling lately. Thanks for reading.