A small info dump about myself, I'm 23, male, believed to be alone for life before, have some self-worth problems, said to be above average looking, blind as a bat for relationship stuff, can logic my way out from most of the emotional stuff, GMOW for roughly 5 years. Had a few crushes before, but those were nothing like this.

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I have tasted the concoction of hormones dubbed as first love . Felt the change of neural pathways, awakening of the archaic & discontinued thinking sets, connection of the person of interest with the dopamine release system. The first mixed hit of serotonin, oxytocin & dopamine hit me like the freight train of calm happiness. Then I found out why people went from a relationship to another, other than not to feel alone. It was just another form of chasing the dragon, one that was approved by the society.

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I know if I go with those archaic think sets (including but not limited to: marriage, having kids, etc), it will be akin to running backwards naked to a field of dicks. I just let the emotions flow, revel in them; when I find one of those thoughts (ones implanted by society), I just end it & remind myself why it won't work. I know it sounds like my defenses are crumbling, but this is the only way to make them even stronger. To see it for myself, even if a relationship that is mostly refined from the usual problems of it can't work out, what kind of relationship will work out, right? I know this leaves out the biological limiters of us humans, but those exist in every relationship.

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I know better than to blindly run into love like a madman, I've read & heard what happens in those situations. My defenses will be stronger, sturdier & harder to dissolve than before; after this relationships ends inevitably. I know that I'll feel pain, lost in my own brain even more, be an emotional wreck. But this is the price for better defense mechanisms against blinding effects of love & what comes after.

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I do feel thankful that I didn't had my first love happen in high school. I wouldn't be able to see all of these happening this clearly. I'd be another slave to their emotions, just chasing that dragon to no end.

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Just a note: No drugs or alcohol were used to create this post, just the natural first hit of love, self checks of the last few days & letting my brain run on its own created this word salad. First love counted from first reciprocating relationship.