"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Litany against fear

Fear Fear is a bully; it's the kid in the schoolyard who says, "Give me your lunch money and I'll leave you alone otherwise I'll kick your ass." So we give him our lunch money and guess what? The next day he's back. We have to stand up to the bully.

Avoidance gives us temporary relief but actually reinforces the fear or anxiety and it keeps coming back. There are some things that are always best to avoid. I can go through my entire life and never pick up a snake and it doesn't make a bit of difference. But there are other things we have to confront; otherwise our lives become terrifying and limited.

An interesting study was done at the University of Texas in 2010 in which a group of student volunteers being treated for claustrophobia agreed to be enclosed in a wooden box that was painted black and lined with foam. They were divided into three groups.

Group one was given a cell phone and told that they weren't expected to stay in the box for very long and when they wanted out, to use the cell phone and they'd be let out.

Group two was given a phone and told to stay in as long as they could and when they couldn't stand it any longer to use the phone and they'd be let out.

Group three was given no phone and told they'd have to stay in the box until the researchers let them out. No escape, just tough it out. Then the researchers timed how long each group stayed in the box.

After an interval they repeated the exercise to see how long each group did when staying in the box the second time.

Here's the interesting part. Which group do you think did the best staying in the box for as long as possible? Most people asked this question answered Group two as they knew they could get out at any time. But the results showed it was actually Group three.

The study found that there was no change in the length of time that groups one and two stayed in the box compared to the first time. In other words, they didn't improve. Group three actually stayed in the box longer the second time they were closed in (EDIT) and were found to have a better fear tolerance the second time per a questionnaire taken after.

What happens is that when we know we have a way out or a safety net we aren't forced to face our fear. How that applies to approaching women should be self evident. You won't overcome it by thinking or knowing your possible outcomes. You'll only truly overcome it by facing it

Facing it

Facing down fear really means dropping the safety net and stepping out into the void. It can be pretty scary stuff but know that even scientifically it gets a little better each time.

"When you come to the edge of all that is known and step out into the void, know that one of two things will happen: There will be something under you or you will learn to fly."