I am 24, my birthday was just a couple days ago. And this... this whole endeavor I am going to participate in now, it's the best birthday gift I could've ever gotten. Or should I say, that conscious state of mind.

I just recently ended a relationship with a borderline woman, she was younger and played on my parental instinct while being a complete whore for her peers. It hit me hard because my attachment to people up to that point was extremely high and I truly felt like giving something from myself to others as a mean for compensating my own shortcomings. I am poor, uneducated and because of that I felt like I have to give a "piece of my heart" because that's all I really have, or rather had. But when my understanding reached the conclusion that my good will towards people is not some innate goodness (some part of that is but that's very universal) but rather a product of my dysfunctional upbringing, something snapped in me. In that moment my ego got completely shattered, I started doubting everything about myself and that was the best thing happening to me since... ever really.

You see, because once you realize that people and things you seek, reactions you give and habits you form are all formed mostly somewhere in your childhood, you start to reflect on your life and how it has been "forming" you so far. It is truly an experience like no other, it could be described as something dramatic as everything falling apart around you, like nothing truly was real. Most people are afraid of coming anywhere close to this prospect, imagine actually being in it, it can break a man in half. It's my third day since "taking the red pill" and I still feel sickness in my stomach thinking about every perverted way my borderline ex had sex with whomever she wanted any time. The gist is that I am a virgin myself, I never invested any real effort into seeking women, I felt too unstable and too poor in mind, spirit and money to pursue relationships with anyone. Once I got to know my last "girlfriend" since day 1, I thought to myself: "Hey, she is damaged for sure but maybe I can help her and with that help myself as well. And maybe then I will have an intercourse with a woman that I fixed, which would be something special". The whole thing lasted almost 2 months, it was a long distance thing because I met her online, we met 3 times but never went any further with anything more than kissing. It's funny because it's either my parental instinct aura or some lack of self confidence that created this state where I am not a "man to fuck", just to cuddle with and talk about childish shit. It's also funny that she claimed that she is a virgin and doesn't want to masturbate, I somehow believed it because as I said I could see her as a damaged person and some people supposedly can't have sex because of their traumas and all that. But I wasn't delusional so much that I couldn't see her lies or her delusions in general. Once I figured out the truth myself, I reflected on that relationship and my theories really explained much of her behavior. After confronting her she wasn't truthful that much but still confirmed some of my suspicions, giving me the freedom to say "I tried to be a good guy, help you, but you just can't let me" and that was my last word spoken to her ever, online of course... I know what some might think: "you got played man, people like her leech the most on your good will, by being good you enable her to be bad". Yes, that is precisely correct. Though this whole thing isn't something that sent me into the abyss of despair. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The realization that I just look for wrong stuff in my life is what pushed me to abandon everything I know. The notion that my dysfunctional in many ways upbringing shaped my unconscious desires to seek "the damaged ones" helped me leave every friend I know behind. I deleted everything I have on my PC, all online accounts. I don't want to burn my house and go homeless although that would be a truly new beginning, so I'll keep stuff that I know is somehow useful to me even though now I see my whole psyche as a contaminated area full of really nasty stuff that was developing over the years, since I was born really. Like let's take a look on something that is disgusting, unpleasant and harming but still I am wired to it through years of bad habits: why in the fuck should I have ruminations about how that ex was gangbanged in someone's basement while I was getting dirty crumbs? It is not something tied specifically to her, it's a bigger issue, the issue of damaging my brain with porn and anything pornographic, created by the decaying society feeding on perversion. I guess you have some idea how tough it is to confront such a shitty topic in an open manner and I am getting through it right now. Sometimes I see this as swimming in sewage water, the worst one that is practically shit and nothing else because of how deep it is in my mind. Luckily I am moving forward and there is less and less incentive to go back to my old self and the funny things is - even if somehow I decided for whatever reason to go back, I wouldn't be able to function as my old self, at all. With the knowledge I rip out of my unconscious mind on a daily basis, I will never be able to see anything in my life the same way, anything. It's terrifying because it overlaps with the idea that everything is bad in one way or another or I should just end my life, because I was bestowed with the gift of knowing what "really is out there" like cosmic horror looming over my persona. There is definitely a feeling of "knowing it all", when in fact I am still processing stuff and it won't end anytime soon. I am aware that I am merely taking a step on the path less traveled but it feels so huge and overwhelming!

To wrap this whole thing up: I am 24, male. I never had a job, I have no education, I still live with parents. Never had any meaningful relationship with anyone, never got intimate with anyone. I have all the worst habits of procrastination, lack of any discipline but luckily no drug addiction. I left behind literally all of my friends whom I don't really want to see anymore (still I am aware of their good deeds done to me), I don't want to touch porn at all in any fucking way, I don't even want to look at naked bodies (which is a problem because I like drawing and you have to learn anatomy etc.). I deleted all of my video games, all youtube subscriptions that are not focused on self-improvement, I have no contact with anyone whatsoever besides my parents. The issue here is at this moment in time I am not sure how I am supposed to fill this void created in good hope that I can overcome my dysfunctions. If I don't see women and don't watch porn, I will not be able to express myself sexually. The only people that I have any real-life contact with are people who made me broken in the first place, who are bad, harmful people in general. I am scared but I am also somehow optimistic that now is the time where I can make lasting changes. I have to let my old self die within me and become something I never was. Now is the time to form new, healthy habits and to make myself a true individual. I want to become a good artist and earn money from it so I don't have to work elsewhere where I don't belong, but can I finally get disciplined after all those failed years? Also I hope that I don't collapse from some emotional meltdown that I am yet to feel.

Best wishes to all who are yet to go on a journey of such length and good luck to those who tread this path. This is not something you should hesitate on, ever. I can't see where it takes me at all but I am glad that I could see taking this first step.