YTA Comments are gold

My 19-year old daughter Vanessa called me this morning and told that her girlfriend proposed to her, and wants her to move to her apartment. Now for context, my daughter met this woman online, and they’ve never don’t ever SEE each other besides a few quick weekend visits. Moreover, they’ve only dated for a little more than a year.

I told her I was happy for her, but then politely expressed my reservations. But I maintained that she was an adult, and that it was ultimately her decision.

The problem lies when Vanessa asked me for money. You see, when her older brother moved out and went to college, I decided to give him a little $500 a month stipend so he doesn’t have to worry about food (he managed to get a scholarship to cover the rest of his educational costs, so it was just the small expected parent contribution and his living expenses). That combined with the money he saved during the summers made it so he didn’t have to work at all during the school year.

Since I gave him $500 a month every month his university was in session, that amounted to around $16,000. I told Vanessa that I was going to do the same when she moves out and goes to school.

She now says that she’s moving out and that college was on the backburner for her. Her girlfriend will support them (she is 23, already graduated, and works in IT). She said that now she’s not going to school, she’d rather just take a lump sum, or give her $500 a month too, and just not get anything if she goes to school.

I told her I cannot stop her from moving, but that money is for supporting her education only. If/when she realizes that this is a mistake and decides to go to school, or even if she decides to go to school when she’s married, I’ll be happy to contribute the money. But it’s not just a free handout.

She’s got really mad that I rejected her and accused me of favoring her brother. To her credit, her brother and I have a closer relationship (he’s always been the studious rule-follower while Vanessa was more the troublemaker), but I do love my children equally. I told her at the end of the day, that it was an educational stipend; if she feels like she has the independence to move out to her fiancé, then she has the independence to get a job and work for her own money. That if she ever wants to go school at any point of her life, I will fully support it financially.

Well we argued back and forth before she angrily hung up on me and told my wife. My wife thinks that we should give her something, but I told her that my thinking is that this relationship will fail, and I rather keep the $15,000 as an emergency blanket for if and WHEN she has to move back home. I don’t want her to think I support this decision.

She told me she sorta saw my point, but she’s not going to help me unravel this mess with my Vanessa, she’s staying out of it. I, on the other hand, think she’s acting like a spoiled brat. AITA for sticking to my guns on this?