I always used to be an Alpha. My whole life I had confidence, athleticism, decent looks, and wit.

5 years ago I stumbled upon seduction a summer during college sophomore year, and ate it up. I remember having a small note book with every detail of information I deemed worthy of needing to remember.

Approach anxiety was my biggest devil, but as it turned out, when I followed through with an approach, more often than not it worked for me. I was good started having success spinning plates. It felt good.

Fast forward to school season, after I had been killing it, and I fucking buckled man. The sheer number of options coupled with approach anxiety fucked me up good. I started placing all my self worth extrinsically, lost my personal frame, and killed my mental game man. From that simple anxiety I started to develop more issues because of it. It snowballed and I turned into a beta.

Fuck, that.

It's been 3 years since I graduated, the first I spent working a sales job I hated, so I quit that shit and spent the second year abroad, teaching English. Teaching abroad was nice, but the easy sex was better. FWIW, If you're a white male in china, especially in lower tier cities, you won't have to try at all. Still, sometimes when things come easy, you get comfortable, and don't work for anything.

Anyway, I returned home and ended up seducing a HB9 shortly after my arrival. I knew all the seduction knowledge, TRP stuff, and what women want, but I buckled again, I turned her into that "one special girl" I couldn't stop thinking about. Frustrated, I removed her from my life until I saw her at an event we both mentioned going to back when we were still together. She didn't notice me, so I called out her name. The whole time I felt like a little beta with my heart pounding. I knew what she didn't want me to do, but I did it anyway. It's especially frustrating because I knew what I shouldn't do, and I did it anyway. Afterwards it took me about half a glass of tequila, some cold openers at the event, and some cigarettes to finally let it go.

Fuck being a beta man, they go against their better head, turn normal chicks into special ones, and constantly over analyze every minute details. Furthermore, personally, fuck feeling like shit because of chicks. I'll go out and do my best to return to what I should have done years ago. It's just a vent because I've repressed myself so long due to the way I thought other people would view me.

I want out of that society blue pill shit man. Give me the red pill, and fuck the rest.

TL;DR: Grew up Alpha until I mindfucked myself into being a beta for a few years by overthinking everything I did. Now I'm back from the dead and attempting to accelerate the deconstruction of my previous bad beta habits. Edit- shit format from ipad Edit 2- reformatted and reworded.