Le sigh

Well, I have some confessions I want to make. They are fucked up. I'm terribly depressed and honestly could just use some words of wisdom and encouraging words to be a better person. I feel so disgusted. The guilt is fucking with me.

Confession 1--- I've cheated on my boyfriend who I love very much. Multiple times not just once. It was with the same person. I didn't have feelings for the other guy but honestly I think I did it to punish myself because I don't like myself. The guy I did it with is a "Dom" and he would tie me up and punish me and i know it sounds weird but I literally did it because I can't stand myself. I feel awful about it.....

Confession 2---- I'm a total bitch for no reason, seriously especially to my poor boyfriend. I try so hard to make it up to him by doing things for him and cleaning and buying him stuff and cooking every night but seriously I'm such a bitch. I act like I'm so much better than him sometimes and I'm totally not.

Confession 3--Im lying to my grandparents and my parents and my boyfriend about going to college.........I know it's fucked but I just want them to be proud of me and I want their approval so bad. I work a full time job but they also think I've been enrolled at college for over a year now.

Confession 4---- I'm so fucking insecure with myself I make people feel bad. I really don't want to and thats not who I am.....maybe I should see a therapist. I wish for things that are fucked up and I'm honestly such a slut and a flirt. Like I don't know how to not flirt with a guy. It's fucked up seriously. I don't have any friends.... Maybe I flirt because I'm trying to make friends but I don't even know how to do it a normal way. Sometimes I think all guys want to do is fuck me and honestly girls don't want to be my friend. I dont have anyone.