AITA for breaking down and cheating on my spouse after almost two years of no consummation?

908 points•491 comments•submitted by thatspinster to r/AmItheAsshole

Using a throwaway for privacy. Not giving real ages, but we're both in our 20s.

I married my husband a year ago. Even though I've always had it drilled into me that anyone wanting to wait until marriage for sex is hiding something, I stupidly agreed to wait until marriage because I never learn from a single mistake.

As it turns out, my spouse is essentially impotent from childhood medications (ADHD). I didn't know the full extent of this until the honeymoon. Suffice to say that that honeymoon was one of the most depressing weeks of my life. We tried to seek medical care for it, but Viagra and other ED drugs wouldn't be safe for him to take due to some heart issues, which I completely understand.

I was at first trying to hide the issues from family/friends but as things declined, I had to be more honest. He slowly stopped trying to show any affection to me, and we haven't slept in the same room for over a year now.

My mental state has been on a slow decline, so a friend of mine offered to have me come out to her state for the weekend to get away. I wasn't planning it, but while there, I ended up having sex with someone at a club. Sounds gross, but it was GREAT.

Of course the aftermath has been very harsh. Most of my family understands that I'm extremely sexually frustrated and have been put in an impossible situation, but obviously a good deal of my "social network" thinks I'm a slur. They hold that with the exception of severe abuse, marriage is forever.

I'd like to try to be okay with an asexual relationship, but honestly it's incredibly hard. I didn't marry to stay a virgin and sleep alone. I don't know if I have a high sex drive, or just A sex drive. I had a pregnancy scare from it and realize that I deeply want children one day, which obviously can't happen in this situation.

I'd like to try sex again, but obviously that's not happening. I'd also love to have a sexual high without a crash of guilt afterwards. Everyone else gets that, why am I held to an unachievable standard?

My spouse doesn't want to accept an open relationship, not that we're talking much these days. In my state lack of consummation isn't reason for an annulment, so I'd have to prepare for a full divorce. I make more than he does and our condo is in my name, so he could take a great deal away from me.

Am I really in the wrong here?

Edit:

I've gotten some preliminary advice that I should offer him a flat settlement to sign no fault divorce papers (say 10k plus I pay his moving costs, or even just a flat 15k). It sucks, but it would get him out of my condo quickly, prevent further legal battles, and end this quickly and quietly. With a ~2 year marriage, no kids, and the fact that 10k would about cover every financial contribution he made in the marriage, that actually looks like an amazing deal for him in front of any judge.