Wife won't let me buy anything

189 points•138 comments•submitted by ThinkStrategy85 to r/Marriage

I work full time and so does she. I make 160k per year and my wife makes about 80k. I went to grad school and pay approximately $800 in student loans per month on a 90k balance; she has none. We have 3 young children, all under 3, and after all of our living expenses, contributions to retirement/529 plans, etc. we have about 4-5k left over each month. Every 3-5 months we throw a large chunk of this money at a loan to reduce our debt.

She refuses to let me buy anything. I do not eat out, do not buy clothes, do not buy random stuff - which I'm fine with because I'm not really a spender; however, when I want to buy something it's a huge problem. I can go months without buying anything but when I do buy stuff it's built up, i.e., spend like 200-500 at one time but on multiple things. My purchases are typically tools or something related to the house, from my point of view. Before we had kids I was spending approximately $50/week on lunches and about $7500/yr on hobbies with no problems. After our kids, I gave up all my hobbies because I wanted to spend more time with them - there was some pressure from my wife but I was missing out on events with the kids while doing my hobbies so I decided I'll give them up for now. Recently, I went to Target and had to justify my $50 spending purchase, which was solely food for the house - this is the degree to which things are scrutinized.

As far as her purchases, she does not really buy much either but when she does they are extremely large and I do not say no because we have the money to do them. Examples include redoing a perfectly good patio set because it didn't go with new pavers that she wanted done (total for patio/patio set was about $10k). She also spends money on little things every month for "the house." Her argument is that she does not buy anything for herself and what she does buy is for "the house." I could see drywall or plumbing being for the house but different pillows for each season are not for the house. Every time I bring up that seasonal pillows and similar purchases are not for the house she basically threatens me that she will go out and buy a chanel bag or something similar.

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Should I be grateful that we are paying off my loans so fast at the expense of not being able to spend less than 1k a year on myself? I'm not really sure how to go about buying things without causing more fights so any help would be appreciated.