I am struggling now more than ever with various conflicting thoughts and emotions as I transition to a new location and stage of my life, and would appreciate any thoughts/reactions/advice.

Preface: I've known about and believed in various aspects Red Pill philosophy/biological psychology for a couple years now. I had a serious but increasingly abusive relationship with a girl that had BPD, I ended it 9 months ago. Since that time I went from having suicidal thoughts ("no one would care if I jumped in front of this B train"), to strong depression and mysogyny, to finally feeling confident in myself like I could potentially date again when I move back to the US this autumn.

Certain things I really like about MGTOW. It encourages me to be my best self and not depend on validation of women: I've picked up hobbies like drone flying and video editing, and I've traveled a lot e.g. I drove a car from Germany to Mongolia. It also encourages me to think about the risks of dating, eg slow emotional manipulation or potentially entrapment by pregnancy.

However, there are certain MGTOW things I struggle with. I don't agree with AWALT as if it's fact in all aspects of life, I have plenty of female friends who are extremely accomplished and bring a lot to the table and aren't manipulative (as far as I can tell). And I don't know that I can give up female affection or sex. I have an addictive personality and have never had any trouble feeding this addiction, but unlike craving substances this is hardwired into my brain no matter how long I stay away from it.

I've drastically changed the types of women I even flirt with, to only ones that I think are extremely kind/considerate. On the other hand, I also believe that it takes a minimum of 6 months for women to feel comfortable enough to reveal their real personality. Despite my occaisional rationality when it comes to the nature of women, I find myself completely smitten with a certain woman at any given point, it's like my brain is hit by a tidal wave of serotonin or whatever neurotransmitter. I think there's a family history of extreme feelings (my dad's siblings have been married on average 4 times each, which is insane) that make me mistrust my own judgment.

It's to the point where I would do anything to make the lust, need for affection, the obsession for a given woman go away forever, and I could live a happy and fulfilling non-sexual life. Would love advice on how to make this go away, because it isn't going anywhere so far. And if I can't make it go away or lessen, how can I seperate out the women that I could eventually be with from those that will lose interest in 1-4 years.

Appreciate all replies, although I'm not sure anything extremist would help me given what I wrote above. Thanks again guys.