And it hurts. It fucking hurts. Why? Because I used to CARE about women. I used to SMILE at them. I used to talk to them like they were normal people and assumed that most were good humans. It hurts that feel so against them now, because it feels unnatural and out of sync with my hormonal rhythms. Why is it that we have entered an age where men don't even want to associate with women anymore? Is technology to blame? Or have they always just been this toxic???

There was this one girl. A couple years ago we became good friends and eventually dated briefly - but then I discovered she was one of those women who keeps her options open while she's waiting to make up with her previous boyfriend over a few spats they had. Looking back, I should have seen it coming - but at the time I had no idea women were capable of being so evil. Talked about him all the time to me, cancelled plans by claiming she was "sick" when meanwhile, a better "offer" probably just came along which involved spending time with somebody better than me.

There was a period where I didn't associate with her over these last few years, both because I had enough of her shit and because of the depression as a whole being overly consuming. Suddenly, a month ago, I received a text from her. She had heard from a family member that I was really struggling with depressive episodes and wanted to check in with me .. "Just seeing how you've been doing. Are you ok!?? I've been thinking about you! sad face" We got to talking and for a brief moment I actually felt comforted, like somebody when out of their way to think about me. To ask about me. To retrieve my new number. To give a SHIT about me.

Why, oh fucking WHY did I let my guard down AGAIN!? Probably because I was vulnerable. I needed somebody at a time when I felt like I had NOBODY, and she entered the picture.

"We should meet up for coffee so you can fill me in on how you're doing. I care about you!"

So we plan a day and I scramble to actually make myself look presentable for public view. Shower, brush my teeth, dress nicely, spray cologne, make my hair look nice - all effortless things that become effortful when you're depressed.

Then she cancels last minute - "another friend needed me last night so I was up til 6 am, so I'm exhausted today. I won't be able to make it. Like, ZOMG, I KNOW, I'm such a horrible person. I'm sorry! five sad faces"

You ARE a horrible person but you can't help it because you're female and I've just accepted that's the way it is. And of course she just wants me to reaffirm to her with the generic clichéd response of 'Oh don't be silly, of course you're not a horrible person. Things happen!"...because that's how the "old, naive me" used to respond.

Even when you're suffering from horrible problems that make you want to kill yourself every day, women will still be frigid bitches and find a way to make it about THEM and how much of a special person they are. So I never responded to her and don't plan to. No other responses since, and I'm not expecting it. Back to my hole I go!

When I do go out and face the public, I don't interact with them. I walk past a woman, I look down. I get rung through by a female cashier, I avoid eye contact. One time a younger girl held a door open for me and smiled and I just walked through without making eye contact and mumbling "thanks" very quietly.

THiS is what women have done to me - they've destroyed the person I know I can be and turned me into a shell. I'm bitter towards women which feels like a rejuvenation and a sign of freedom, but yet I feel totally lonely and long for the love of a woman. FUUUUUCCKKK.......the loneliness is despairing.