TL;DR

What this is is a very bad decision from my part. After getting really drunk on home brewn wine and talking life, masculinity, purpose and women with my rp father I have drunkenly decided to make a trp post. I'm very drunk, close to passing out and I don't say this as an excuse, just setting up the atmosphere for what the fuck is going to be written here. If you expect deeply thought out rp theory you should gtfo you won't find it here. What you will find here are the drunken ramblings and confessions of a lifetime beta who has discovered trp. They might also not be very coherent and linked logically at times so continue reading at your own peril. (this might very be the kind of mistake as when you message your ex when you get drunk)

Body:

What the fuck is it about them? What is it that makes them like them? After finishing my 4th grade and going to a new school I noticed the strong guy that the most attractive female classmate would be all over with. At 5th grade he was already fairly muscular, rumour was he could 1RM 50kg already which at that age seemed like a massive amount of weight. He, among two other guys, were the people who would shit on me the most throughout middle school and something that forced me to switch classes and encounter the very same behavior because wherever you go, there you are. And what I was was a bitch. So I was the unpopular weird kid. I was goofy put it simply. I liked doing dumb shit just for the entertainment of it. One day in this new class I pretended to be a small horse in a small play. I overdid it a bit to say the least and enjoyed it like a motherfucker. I was a clown. I always though during social interactions of ways to say something funny. I was always seeking that sweet sweet validation. What that brought to me was being called a horseguy for years. Shit that was bringing the young me closer and closer to suicide.

I hid as best I can. I was repulsed every second I spent at middle school (the non sports anti social weird but sometimes funny me) the bullies did all sorts of nasty shit to me and I hated it. I cried, I was depressed. The situation at home wasn't any better. Mother and father were always fighting and they got divorced. So fuck it, video games. Helps you leave that world like a motherfucker. Digimon world on ps one, crash bandicoot I was all over that shit. Every day was just trying to get out of school as fast as I could so I could get on the computer and play games. The grand escape. One day I mentioned to then my single mother that I couldn't stand middle school anymore. I was going back to home crying after being beaten or spit at and started skipping lessons all the time. All the teachers said I had potential but I wasn't using it. I later learned that one of the guys who was picking on me the most, the alpha fucker who was ripped at 15+ years of age (was as scary as it could be to me at that point being a small intimidated clown self I was) actually saw his father hanging on a noose one day he came back from school. That was what the principle said to explain his behavior to both me and my mother after I couldn't handle it anymore and wanted to change class anyway. So change class I did. And holy fuck it didn't make me into any less of a bitch. I loved writing before and acting goofy and and showing off on a stage for validation before but all of that has gone at that time. It was replaced with fear, pretending to be someone so I could just not have chewed fruit spit at my face by the bullies and... well fuck. Lost my train of thought here.... I was already too much into it is the point. My ass was already into games, the escape from both bullies and family problems which I didn't acknowledge even existed for the longest time. This is what started it. Fear, being a pussy. I remember clearly when my father said to my mother who asked him about how to deal with these problems. See, for all his faults, my pops has a ton of wisdom, has developed a successful company and is very rp in many respects after having many shitty experiences with women. Most of all he was masculine. Well he said, when asked by my mother what to do with the bullies, for me to take a chain and swing it with all the force I could muster at the back of one of the bullies. I see it as such sage advise now and I'm not being sarcastic about it. I got close then... but I pussied out. I was still raised by a single mother who through no fault of her own simply loved me and my sis too much to let anyone or herself actually excert any leadership or punishment upon us.

Ahh high school. I remember being told that the bs stops there. I lucked out and managed through some bs and getting into an orchestra I didn't care much about to get into the best high school in town. I wouldn't have been able to get there with my grades alone but I managed to get in since they needed people for the orchestra and they were willing to get them in even if they had lower grades. Ha, I had a few mach bones in my body it seems at least. Well I've been told it would be better and it was. There was no more bullying. I could "be" what I thought I am and no one was going to really give any bs for me from that. And here in comes my one and only long term girlfriend (I am 23 now). I had some masculine friends who I admired and now that I have some perspective considered to be role models simply because they were masculine themselves and had good parents. I tried to copy their behavior even. Still being my more goofy relaxed self. Always liked to laugh a lot and defuse the situation. Well, with some encouragement from high value friends I mustered the courage to... go all out bp on a girl I liked and invite her to a "romantic" place she has shown me in the past where I would be playing a romantic song with the guitar and a rose and ask her to be my date. Alright, fuck you, don't give me shit for this. I was young, bped to the max and this was my first girlfriend. I asked out the sexiest and smartest girl in the class because, well, I liked her. Guess what happened to my lucky ass. Apparently no other guy has ever asked her out! She said yes and we kissed. I didn't see it at the time but for a brief period of time I was alpha in a way. I was alpha in the sense that, every single dude out there, and there were a lot for sure, thought about this sexy 16 yo who was smart, danced, and had them buttcheeks of a god, but simply didn't dare ask her out in the pussy high iq high school because she was the best and it was scary. I, however, mustered the courage to do so, and even though it was bp, I still got a yes simply because I was the biggest fish in a small bowl. All thanks to my masculine friends encouraging me then. God damn. Even now when I came upon this realization while writing this I'm sort of surprised at the effect the people closest to you have.

She didn't put out, said she was too you, now I know it's because I was a white knight beta which was understandable given my past mistakes. I played in a rock band but was a massive pussy near her and went home after school with her all the time even though it meant I'd have to walk further to my own home. Lot's of kissing and cuddling though. Was about as good as it could get to my bp brain. Shit with one of the best gals out there too. Well eventually we broke it off of course, I was still bp, my grades were down to fuck all since I played games, played in a band and skipped class all the time. I barely managed to finish high school. By a fucking inch. Literally I was one bad grade away from being unable to attend the exams. Skipped as many classes as was possible.

After high school. Porn, video games, fast food. Because shitty childhood, bullies, parents divorcing, shitty grades. I became what I am. I dropped out of uni (journalism degree because I liked writing and it didn't require high grades) to become a pro dota player (in my mind anyway, I wasn't anywhere good or dedicated enough to become a pro nerd) and well. Spent about a couple of years after that leeching off of my fairly successful business man father and playing games/browsing the web 24/7

Now, I am the loser. The typical trp neckbeard socially autist beta. It's not that bad anymore. I have learned a lot and continue to do still. And now I'm on the brink of my decision to go to the military. I logically understand women from a completely trp perspective now even though I might not have gone out with them much yet. And I don't know why the fuck I'm even writing this. Probably because I'm drunk and stupid and maybe someone out there can somehow relate to this story and gain a shred of value out of it somehow.

*Conclusion:*

At the very least who I am now is someone who understands. I lift, I read, I practice. I understand things I have never before and I see how they have affected me in the past. I now know that through the path of pain and misery I will only then become the best me I can. I'm not a bitch anymore. I'm not letting anyone walk over me anymore or disrespect me. I am on the fence about joining the army of my country. I still have some considerations to do but I'm very close to making the decision.

All I'm saying at the end is this. The "alpha" is always there. It's in you. It can not be not in you after so many generations. And I've learned that I need to embrace the hard and unforgiving path which I have never done in the past. Added to that I understand female behavior at a way higher level that I did before thanks to trp and illimitableman. Want to extend my gratitude to this community. My father is very rp but due to him building his business and conflinct with my mother I was still practically raised by a single mom and my real role models where rp classmates and dudes like George Carlin and Henry Nelson. I have a massive mountain to climb. And I'll slay that pussy and life like a mofo for real. Atilla out.

p.s. my bad about low quality of grammar and all the fuck but fuck you