It's been a rough journey, lads. I'm writing this just to express my thoughts/feelings in writing (bear with me, I don't plan on whining). I've been on this path of the manosphere for roughly 2.5 years (started with trp and moved on to mgtow about a year).

I'm only 21 years old and I feel like I can't relate to most people my age (normies), because most people (male and female) care about the most mundane shit on the planet (Celebs, fashion, what is "cool" and "uncool"). No envy for them, but rather pity. Everyone is on this conveyor belt to be molded into the person society wants them to be, but somehow, I jumped off the assembly line and found the exit door. But now I don't know exactly where to go from here.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all forms of entertainment, but with a blue-pill filter. If a movie/song/tv show/etc is too enveloped in blue pill ideology, I can't engage in it.

It seems to me that almost all guys my age engage in what will get them girls/pussy, and I just don't care for that anymore. I simply can't relate. Daily activities/agenda(s) seem to be rooted in their biological imperative (Physically fit, dress/look nice, make good $$$= girl of my dreams).

Girls are worse, but they are often more plugged in to this false reality than the guys. Almost every conversation with a woman has about mundane shit, and within groups of females they all become group thinkers and babble on about the same nonsense (Drama within marriages/relationships, gossip, celebs, food, fashion, all superficial topics).

Due to having no interest in dating/cohabiting/marriage, I keep social activity with women to a minimum. I'll message and talk to girl friends, even hangout, but the idea of having to apply all these red pill techniques (holding frame, passing shit tests, implementing dread, LARPing as Chad Thundercock himself) in aggregate with all the general nonsense that comes with women is a fucking headache. I have enough problems navigating day to day by myself, I don't need another person who will only make things harder. Ironic, because women are supposed to be companions of support and assuage the hardships of life, yet the modern woman is the antithesis of making life easier.

It's disturbing, yet enlightening, to see the matrix for what it truly is. The ironic thing is, I'm a decent looking guy, in great shape and everywhere I go people like me; however, mentally, I just can't seem to fit in. I kind of breeze my way through life, just faking it (think as i like, behave like others). This is not to say that I don't have genuine interactions with people, it just seems that I'm just going through the motions most of the time.

I try to be optimistic about the future of the West (and humans in general), but all I see is despair and bleak circumstances. Cultural Marxism, Globalism, and general degeneracy will destroy the West.

The thing about strong civilizations is that they have a strong cultural identity, which forge strong communities and families, which indirectly keep government in check. If you break down the family unit, you eventually break down that civilization (or something will take its place, perhaps Islam). I don't see many strong families. I'm no traditionalist, but it seems that many of the antiquated societies before us just worked a lot better than what exists today. I could go on in detail about all of this, but I won't, for the sake of brevity.

With all of this said, all the negative things I observe/read in my day to day life eat away at my well-being. Nihilism/depression seem to be real things I experience at times, but I don't want to die. I have read up on Zen Buddhism and it seems to be a key to keeping sane, despite all of the nonsense that goes around me. I need to find a way to survive in society without succumbing to the ills associated with it. Cannabis also helps to relieve stress and allows me to temporarily clock out of society and not worry about much. I'm still young and my brain is still developing, so I have optimism for my future. No matter where you are on this journey, just know there is still some hope for the future.