Speak to my fiancé more about my past or keep it to myself?

It bothers me. A lot. The guy I lost my virginity was manipulative and not at all a good person to be with. I can’t believe I didn’t see it at the time being 24. Old enough. He got me very drunk one night. Or stupidly I drank too much I guess... and yeah. I don’t wanna even think about it it makes me feel sick. I was 24 at the time and I was very strict on my virginity. Even walking down and aisle where there’s alcohol makes me nauseous. It was my biggest goal to wait for marriage as I grew up in a very red pilled ideology of a household. I’m trying to break free from those ideologies as they’ve obviously harmed me. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t believe in them still.

After that first ex and I broke up I felt so low and disgusting. A year later I started sleeping with a colleague ( I’d say a handful of times if that) The sex was obviously miles better than that dreadful first time.

Fast forward to 26 and I meet my fiancé. I love him so much and everyday it pains me that he’s not my one and only. My first, my only and my last. Like I had always thought my life would pan out. Except i’ve slept with two others who didn’t have any actual love or respect for me. I have a great relationship now but there’s this black cloud over me. I feel sickened and embarassed that my fiancé knows ive been with other men I don’t know why. I guess because I’m sure he doesn’t like it.. who would? I can’t help but feel really bad as my goal in life was to be with only one man. Will I be loved differently, seen as less special? Just be honest. He’s never made me feel bad about it of course and has a past of his own but idk. It hurts. I worship the ground he walks on but I never feel good enough. I never feel like I’m special enough. I also recently read online that men feel closer and more attached to a virgin spouse and it hurt. I know I logically have more to give but there’s nothing special there to give. Anyone can give him kindness or love, or make him food etc.

I feel like I’m drowning in pain each day and life is feeling less and less worth it.

Thing is our wedding is coming up in October and I still cry myself to sleep pretty often about this whole thing. We don’t live together but we will once we move in. I’m worried about him seeing me so broken over it. He knows I wishes he was my first but he doesn’t know how much it tears me up on a day to day basis. Idk how he’d react. I’ve sort of said stuff in the past and he says it’s my burden to hold and doesn’t enjoy talking of my past. But I don’t know.. I’m worried that he will feel I’m not ready for marriage and call it off or something which would make the past win. Just today we were watching a show on Mormons and this guy was having sex with a few women. I said ‘ oh, that’s strange he may not have been that religious as Mormons usually wait for marriage ‘ and he said ‘ but that’s like saying you’re not really catholic because you didn’t wait ‘. And it hurt. A lot. Not his fault of course but I just thought. Ahh if you knew how bad I wanted to wait.

I’ve tried therapy but the therapists (2) didn’t work for me so I need to find another. I’m not very hopeful about therapy even working.