Gonna give some background and actual real life things that have shaped me. Might be long its gonna be long but I honestly don't know where to turn and want to know I'm not alone still.

I'm a 28 year old guy, I've never seen women as equal to me. I've grown up knowing that the only one you can trust is yourself. That everyone is out for something and if you aren't the Master then you are the slave. And for a long time that was enough for me, but I messed up I found someone that I thought was a partner. Someone that I could relax around and actually show Myself instead of the masks that I showed the world. Well most of you can guess how that worked out. So at the age of 19 I was again alone, I had been shown the truth that you are only as valuable as the money in your pocket, or the amount of respect you can provide to your girlfriend. That men are disposable and only exist to provide status for women. So I did what my dad sugested, "join the Army and become a man."

I did and I went the 11-x before they changed it to 11-B . I was at my lowest point, the constant thoughts of "was she right to do what she did? Was I actually deserving of respect?" and the worst "what did i do to deserve what she did?" But I didn't Opt out of life. I went to my basic and i found something I've never had and had never thought to exist. Brotherhood. A bonding of different males, in a male atmosphere. We came from different walks of life, with different values and we didn't see eye to eye, at first. But the hardships we faced together and the pain we shared drew us together. My battle buddy was a person that had experiences I never would and I loved to hear them. Not to share his misery but to expand my horizon so that I could understand him better. And he learned from me. But the machismo of the place we where in never let up. We would fight and fight savagely, we competed and always tried to be first. But it seemed to me to be natural and right. It became ways for us to value our differences. And in a male only place where we could be who we are instead of who we thought women wanted us to be. I miss those days now, 10 years after the fact.

During my time in I learned more, and became the person that I am now. Uninterested in women, I'd still fuck them but I put no effort in, they had to find me and if I was doing something more fun then to hell with them. I'd drink to have fun with friends, not so i could talk to women. They didn't register to me outside or their worth to me as conversation, what they could do for me, or to enhance myown fun. Their power over me was broken. Because I'd found love and acceptence in a way women couldn't understand. I found myself working out because I enjoyed it, I found myself doing competitive things because I enjoyed it. I learned that to be complete in mylife I had to enjoy who and what I was. Violence was a fun time, I'd throw down and fight as hard as I could and afterwards I'd by the other guy a drink. I still have friends to this day that is how we met. And they are dear friends to me. Because I learned about their will and iron and they learned about mine.

Now I'm older and I havent been on a date is 8 years and I don't miss it. I havent' had a female around me that I wasn't having sex with in 5 years, and I've never been more happy with my life. I do things that I want to do, and always let people know that I'm doing them because I want to and they are lucky that I'm inviting them. I work out because I like the way it feels, I play paintball because it's competitive and punishes the losers so i learn from my mistakes. I drink because I like the feeling. I do what I want because I want to. Not because I think i have to or should do. I accept myself for who I am, and enjoy my hobbies.

I am a Army vet of 3 deployments, I love paintball, I workout to maintain, and I like anime. These are some of the things that define me and if someone doesn't like that then that is their problem.