Hi MGTOW. Not sure exactly where I'm going here, but I feel I have to share with someone. The last two years have been the most transformative- or at least disruptive- in my life. As a result, for the first time, I'm being forced to- really, have the opportunity to- direct my future. Recent events that have led to this epiphany, in no particular order:

I was born into a evangelical, apocalyptic, Christian cult (specific branch redacted for privacy) and only recently escaped. It was a costly escape. As a result of my leaving, my entire family, and everyone I ever called a friend now shuns me. I see them at work and on the street often. They cross the street to avoid me. Starting every social relationship over at an age where many people are thinking about sending kids off to college is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. My freedom came at great cost, but a free mind and soul are worth paying any price.

My 12 year marriage to a BPD woman-child ended in flames when she finally cheated on me. I had been miserable for about 11 years, 11 months and 30 days, so I was actually happy it happened. I miraculously avoided being divorce raped and we never had kids, so all things considered, I got off easy there. Got a vasectomy out of the deal, so I've got that going for me.

Subsequent to the divorce and cult escape, the business my wife and I had "built together" (I'm sure you know how that really went) failed. Everyone thought it was because I just couldn't keep up with the demands of running it alone. The truth is, after all I had been through, I just couldn't be bothered to give a fuck anymore. I got depressed and things just went to shit. It's OK, being an entrepreneur wasn't as appealing as I thought it would be. I did lose my life's savings, and there's a bankruptcy in the works, but my future looks bright. I stumbled into a good job and career field and with it comes the prospect of eventually moving virtually anywhere in the country.

The only real complication is my current long term relationship. I met her just as I was escaping the cult, and before I had ever heard of MGTOW. She's been by my side through some of the darkest days of my life. She's brilliant and wonderful in so many ways. She's never shit tested me or pressured me for marriage. And the sex... Oh my, the sex. I really am thankful and fortunate to have met her. I'm not NAWALT-ing here- she certainly isn't perfect, and neither is our relationship. But by old me, blue pill standards, I'm in hog heaven. We'd planned to move in together. We've discussed growing old together.

Then I heard about MGTOW. Read a little. And a light went on.

I just don't think I can do it. Raising kids that aren't mine. Living in a place I can't stand. Trying to fit myself into the structure of her social life and established relationships. Lots of other little things. I love her, and there is much good in our relationship, but I don't think that's the life I want.

I've spent my whole life doing what was expected of me, doing for others. Be a good Christian. Be a good husband. Be a responsible member of the community. And what did I get for it? Shit out the bottom of society with nothing. I have no family. No real friends. No assets worth a damn. No meaningful education (the cult I came out of discourages higher education).

But I do have two things- an opportunity, and sole possession of my soul. The opportunity to finally seize my life. To go my way. To live where and how I want to. To do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want, with absolutely no outside interference. Perhaps even to make a financially secure future for myself. I'm not angry. I just want to put myself first for once.

So now I find myself at perhaps the most critical junction in my life. I feel a strong draw to the MGTOW way of life. Going my own way would allow me to pursue all the things I've been denied my whole life. But to make that leap I have to destroy the best relationship I've ever had. And frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up sex, possibly forever. This may be the hardest thing I've ever done.

When I put it that way, the choice seems obvious, doesn't it? So why is it so hard?