I've been in a ltr with some girl who's 19 now and I'm 25. I'll be completely honest about the situation.

Met this girl 2 summers ago, we live in a pretty small town and everyone who saw me going out with her told me she's a pretty solid character. At the time, she was younger and cute, still a virgin. I was on and off with her due to family problems and losing my mother overtime, so I was just seeing her and then ghosting for 2 weeks and so on until we dated normally and decided to see each other more, she was showing interest so why not. First few months, everything was cool, she came to see me, cooked me food before I left for business for some time, then we slowly moved into ltr dynamics as I took her v-card and dated more. 1.5 year and we were doing great together. Somewhere between this space though I fucked up, I was dealing with a drug abuse problem she didn't know at the time and one night I got off the rails and slapped her.. Ever since she was just very sad thinking about it, I managed to put the guilt aside (not completely forgive my self for this shit) and every time it was popping up I wouldn't go full beta explaining my self, but I hugged her and told her it was a mistake at the spur of the moment, then ended up having good sex. I never did it again and we both moved past it. Sex was still present and it was getting better by the months.. Then, I fucked up again. She went to see her sister at another town and I was becoming very insecure, I would get drunk again and start slut shaming her without a reason, yes I was stupid I know that.. This happened for about 2 times during our relationship and she still forgave me and things went back to normal, she was always happy to announce me as her boyfriend and very proud of me despite the shit I had done.

Few months later, I found out her father used to hit her sometimes, and realised she compared me to him many times. She would feel depressed over time, though this didn't really affect our relationship and we kept going like before with the difference that sometimes she looked so emotionally wrecked I couldn't help her. Anyway around christmas we broke up, some people including family members who didn't like me, found out we were dating and said to her that I am a guy who fucks multiple women, and am not to be trusted. 1 month later she comes back and apologizes explaining this, at this time I decided to fuck buddy her and it went well in terms of it, we fucked like crazy and I didn't invest much and started doing less and less stuff with her even though she was even more interested, knowing things wouldn't be the same and thinking this way I could keep this running longer and seem more alpha (Oneitis and huge mistake going back up to this point). Then I broke up with her one night without explaining my-self. I needed my space, this whole thing started tiring me... Another mistake, I contacted her during the quarantine and we hooked up again, every time we hooked up like this we would fuck and she would be super excited like she hadn't had sex in years lol, anyway up to this day we have an intense argument last week, she threw a shit test and I failed. I went full beta and started saying shit about her female friends that I didn't mean, she got pissed, a few days later she says she wants to break up and so I leave her. I went beta trying to talk to her days later, we went out, hooked up again, only to leaver her home and then she'd be like " I really can't be with you no matter what..You've hurt me many times" And I guess she was right. I finally let it go and told her it's fine and that I felt hurt too in some way, I couldn't handle all these ups and downs in her mood and apparently she can't manage her emotions too, suggested she might get some professional help and wished her well.

Now, I know this might sound beta as fuck, but this girl had the most green flags through our journey and I did many mistakes, I was her first guy and she was still invested in me 2 years later, as she was in the beginning. Now I am just regretting.. I am thinking that this could go on for more if I hadn't acted so insecure and beta to lay a hand on her (Never did it again to any woman, I know it's a pussy move and I feel self-loathe for this. I was too weak and I am ashamed to have done that.) and then slut shame her for no reason a couple times, fail shit tests through time and let my anger and emotions get the best of me. I am dealing with a break up, sometimes I can't realise it's over and I cry.

What to do to get over this more quickly? What are your thoughts on the subject? Have you ever been there? I know I need to do shit to fix my self and improve so I am not so insecure and beta next time. It would make my life a lot easier.. it feels difficult though. I would really appreciate opinions and support right now..

EDIT: I am still lifting, working my job and going out with friends socialising etc. Over the last few months I feel depressed, tried seeking help from a psychologist but it didn't help. I am just not putting it down, I keep trying to improve but I have to find a way to feel content with my mother's loss and accept that some things change, and get over my blue pill expectations.