I lost my best friend through some really fucked up circumstances.

Women who are attracted to me are so because of who I am. I am decisive, dominant, aggressive, capable, knowledgeable, intelligent, independent, and confident. They want me to lead, they want me to decide, they want me to handle shit because life is fucking hard and I can handle it. They want me to be a man, in the old fashioned way, just without the abuse.... though some seem to really enjoy corporal punishment for fun. They look up to me because they can, not because I demand it.

I lost that sense of self last year and it took me until July to find it again.

I got sick from chemicals I was exposed to. It left me unable to breathe, gaining weight, and it destroyed my self confidence because I felt helpless and useless. All I could do was sit around and fuck off on the computer or read. Walking ten steps to take a leak left me panting and fighting for air. Its damn hard to handle life and be all those things mentioned above when I cant even fucking move.

That sense of self had been eroding for some time. When I got hurt in the military and couldnt do all the things I used to do, that sapped some of it. When I had to rely on her family to survive for years, that dried up even more of my self worth and confidence. I need to feel like I matter, and I need to know I have value and worth. My value and worth is in what I can do, and doing it myself means I am strong and capable enough to handle almost anything.

Im March I started being able to breathe, but was damn near 300lbs, which is so big I was disgusted with myself. I decided to change. I dedicated myself to making me who I want to be, and looking how I want to look. I wanted to like me again, and even a bit more, I wanted to love who I was. My confidence stems from what I can do, and to a lesser extent how I look because appearances have not been something I was concerned with before. I have always been a form follows function kind of guy, but now I see that the form matters too. I am down to 245 and have been enjoying the mobility and better living it has provided me. I am still on the way down, with a goal of 210 and the conviction that I will never see more than 230 ever again. I have changed my lifestyle, and have been working towards making my life one I can be proud of.

Part of that is buying a place to live. It will be a chunk of land and I will build my house and shop from what is on the property when I get it. I will build my home with my hands, I will do the work required and make it mine. I plan to put my green energy projects into use heating and powering my home, so I can focus on other things and not worry about it. Having my own home, somewhere that I am not beholden to anyone for, is what I need to feel like me again. The me I forgot when I got hurt ten years ago.

I listened to people who told me what it means to be a man, and they misled me. I believed them, and allowed myself to become complacent, soft, and unattractive to my best friend. I was not the leader she was looking for, the man who could just make things happen and handle the problems as they arose so she could pursue the problems she wanted to deal with without the worry of the larger ones, like survival and bills.

The first line says I lost my best friend, and that is twofold. I lost my wife, the woman who provided me with the best relationship I have had, and so much more. But I also lost myself, I lost who I was and what about me I admired, and that resulted in losing her. I lost myself first, and without me there, why the hell would she stay? I lost who I was many years before I met her, it was while I was growing up and enduring the life I was forced to live. I have found my true self, the nature within me that guides me and enables me to be capable and confident. I have found who I was meant to be by my genes, my ancestry of evolutionary winners who overcame all manner of hardships and survived.

By losing her, I found myself.

Not only do I like who I am, I love who I am now. I am truly the baddest mother fucker in the valley, and no problem, hardship, or loss will ever devastate me like those before this year. I am the most important person in my life, I matter, and the purpose I have chosen to place on my existence is that of helping others when I can, solving problems, and making the world a better place to whatever extent I can. That is the reason I am capable and knowledgeable, so I can life others up and keep those I care about from harm.

I finally met me, and I like who I am.