Boyfriend and his porn addiction - don’t know if I can take it

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but when googling questions, this is a subreddit I found, so I thought I’d give it a try to post here.

My boyfriend, I’ve known him since we were 15. I’m going on 20 next month. He’s almost everything I could want in a man. There’s just one problem, he’s apparently had a porn addiction since the 4th grade, and it really bothers me. He told me that himself. I don’t remember my reaction to the news, I remember I wasn’t pleased, but knowing my nature I probably acted unbothered or became a little more quiet.

Now here’s the thing, I don’t experience physical attraction..and I want my partner to be 100% about me as I am them. I know, maybe that’s a bit selfish and maybe it’s really unrealistic. I don’t really know anyone who feels the same way I do, or shares the same beliefs or feelings.

I just feel so..upset. Maybe even a little angry. Alone. I guess because I don’t understand it. I can’t understand it. Porn has never done anything for me and I’ve always used my imagination thinking of my partner. But knowing he watches porn..it makes it hard for me.

He lives at base because he’s military and he’s been deployed for just over a month now. I’m never really around him because he’s far and other issues. I don’t know if I’m making this into a bigger deal than it is, but it’s not like I can talk to him about this given the fact he’s gone..and who wants to have those conversations when he’s god knows where and you have limited time to talk if he ever does call me (I haven’t gotten a call yet). Things get worse when he leaves, he’s not around for me to enjoy, so I start to remember everything I don’t like.

He’s sweet, he’s really honest (from what I can tell), he’s pretty mature for the most part (I think and would say), he’s just really great to me (for the most part)..until it comes to that. I’m at a loss. I’m very close to being a misandrist..not that I want to be..but I can’t control my feelings and thoughts. I can’t help but resent men because my dad is abusive and I’ve never really had good experiences around men and I see how they (majority) are in my eyes.

I’m not a lesbian. God, sometimes I wish I was. I’m heterosexual. He’s really the only man I want and can see myself being with. It’s perfect until it comes down to his porn addiction he told me he had once, and a few other small things.

I guess I want to know if there have been any other women here who have dealt with something similar. Is there a way to cope? Why does this hurt me? Am I unreasonable? What can be done to get over this? Am I seeing this in the wrong light? Is there any advice?

I think if this relationship doesn’t work out, I want to stay a single gal forever. I can’t imagine being in another relationship if this fails. I’ve only ever been interested in two men. My guy, and my ex. My ex seemingly shared similar beliefs to me, but I’m pretty sure he ended up being a huge liar, possibly even a cheater..and he didn’t treat me right. I haven’t talked to him in over 20+ weeks. Whatever that equates too. I have no real interest in him anymore. I just want my boyfriend. I met both of them when I was 15, and my ex boyfriend was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. I really wanted that to work, but it didn’t. Turns out he’s in the military now too. Same branch. Can’t talk to him even if I wanted to as a friend..not like I’d want to. We ended on pretty bad terms I’d say, as well.

If I could get past the porn, which I heard about one time, this could be something great, I feel and would hope anyways. I really want this to work out. I’m starting to worry we won’t make it. I feel immature and like I’m making things that are nothing into something. But I can’t seem to get over things. I dwell a lot. I just feel that just because something is seen as normal it doesn’t mean it should be or that it doesn’t make it right.

I have no friends to talk about this with. I have 0 friends. I can’t talk to my family either. I don’t have family and the family I do have..just...eh.

I feel confused. It’s hard to be with a man when I really don’t like men. I can’t help it.