So, I’m 19. I have only ever dated 1 guy. I have known this guy the past 4 years. We met at church back when we were both Mormon. We started as friends, then we went to prom together when I was 16 and he was 18. I sort of ghosted him because I had never been in a relationship before and I was in a really bad place self-esteem-wise and just couldn’t handle the pressure or the scrutiny I was feeling dating this guy— not necessarily from him, but from the culture of our religion; obviously he was going to go be a missionary and when he got home he would propose to me and we would get married and have 7 kids. I’ve never wanted to get married or have kids, so that irked me.

I left that religion around the time I ghosted him and then went to be an exchange student for a year while he went to be a missionary for 2. We barely talked the entire time he was gone because I had nothing good to say about the religion he was devoting 2 years of his life to, and eventually you run out of things to say. So I would send him an email every month or so with pictures of what I was doing and questions about what he was doing.

He came home 6 months early in October and just recently decided to leave the Mormon church too. We went to see a movie a month ago. I’d decided to just be his friend when he came home, but then he took my hand during the movie and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Afterward we sat in my car and talked about a lot of stuff, mostly about how we’d both changed during the time we were gone and the things he went through that made him need to come home. We talked about a lot of very heavy, very personal mental health stuff. Next day we went to the beach, my family and him. (Even when he and I weren’t talking he’d still do stuff with my family because they all really like him and he likes them. That’s where some of that pressure I felt came from.)

That day at the beach, he basically confessed his love for me, over text, in the car on the way there. We had started talking about church issues and then he asked me if I liked him. I thought he meant like as a person, so I said yes. And then he said, “I know this is forward, but I want you to be a part of my life.” He told me he feels empty most of the time, but not with me. I said I wasn’t good at relationships, that I didn’t want to put a label on anything. He said we don’t have to rush anything and that he knows we can communicate and work things out. When it became clear to him that I was saying I didn’t want what he did, he started apologizing for being too forward and making things awkward and he said he’s happy to just be my friend if that’s all I want. I said it wasn’t him, i did like him, I just didn’t like the idea of myself in a relationship at this point in my life when I have all these goals that a relationship could get in the way of. I held his hand at the beach (because I felt bad that he felt so bad, mostly) and he put his arm around me in the car on the way home because I was cold, which I was fine with.

And then shit hit the fan with his family. They basically kicked him out when they found out he didn’t want to be Mormon anymore. He moved in with my family for a week and we talked a lot. We fell asleep on my couch together a couple times. A very strange situation to be in. He moved back home but we’ve still been spending a lot of time together.

I’ve kissed him a couple of times, which I never actually did the first time we dated, because Mormonism. I’ve initiated pretty much everything. And at the beginning, whenever he would put his arm around me or hold my hand, he would ask if it was alright. He asks me before he kisses me. He’s respectful of me and my boundaries. He tells me that I’m beautiful but that he likes me for who I am first and doesn’t care that I gained weight during my year abroad. When I asked him to block this other Mormon guy we both know who has creeped on me in the past and only follows porn accounts, he did it, and then unprompted expressed how disgusting he thinks porn is for how degrading it is to women.

So he sounds pretty much perfect I guess. But it’s barely been a month since the conversation at the beach. He’s so, so sappy with me. I prefer to be around him when other people are there because then I can actually have a conversation with him that doesn’t revert back to him telling me how much he likes me or putting his arm around me again or putting his head on my shoulder. I saw him for a couple hours at a Christmas party today and when I helped him carry a few things back to his car when he had to leave, I gave him a hug, and then he told me that he loved me. And it made me angry, angry that he put me in that position. But he told me I didn’t have to say it back, and after he got home he texted me and apologized and said he knows he’s moving to fast and that he doesn’t want what he said to affect things.

I’m just conflicted. I think he’s overall a great person, and I guess I do like him, but I definitely don’t like him as much as he likes me at this point, and I’ve never dated anyone else so I can’t compare him with anyone. On top of that, there’s the fact that I’m bisexual and until recently I thought I would end up with a woman as I’m much more attracted to them. And yet again, the idea of marriage is being thrown around because of the culture of our families religion and everyone else we know. I don’t want to break up with him and I know I’d be incredibly jealous if he were to start dating someone else. I’m sort of afraid that if I did break up with him, years down the road I’d realize that he was the best I was ever gonna get. And since he’s so close with my family, it’s guaranteed he’d still be in my life, a reminder. But I’m also only 19 and I don’t want to only ever date one person. I want the chance to date women too. I just don’t know how to navigate this situation. I can’t tell which feelings are real and which are because of the emotional intensity of the whole situation of his family kicking him out and the ongoing drama surrounding that. I could really use the advice of women more experienced than me.