I'm a 19 year old guy, and I'm struggling coming to grips with the reality of the world and what my life has been like up unto the current day. My life started started out alright, but because of some factors that will go unmentioned(I'm too lazy to go into to detail and I don't feel like it matters) I began to struggle with people around first grade. I had long shaggy hair which my parents let me keep for some reason, and feminine looking facial features, and I was also a good deal shorter than my peers. I was also timid and had a such a mild sweet temperament that it genuinely fucking sickens me looking back on it.

Didn't take long for me to be outcast and treated like the little pussy bitch I was. I was frequently made fun of for looking like a girl, and was consistently pushed around and bullied by female classmates. My self confidence got chipped away from these incidents, and similar occurrences just kept on piling on with me never able to fully recover. For the remainder of elementary to middle school, it would be a frequent occurrence for a kid my age whether male or female to basically give me one look and immediately start treating me like trash. I would make half hearted efforts to stand up to myself, and I would usually be laughed at and insulted further.

I withdrew into my room, and adopted your standard LDAR lifestyle from about 5th-8th grade. Around 8th grade things began to brighten up somewhat, but only for a short period of time. Puberty was gracious to me, and my effeminate bitch look was transformed into decent facial aesthetics. I also was at least able to escape manletdom, and ended up at 5'10. But, I'm honest with myself and admit that for this day and age that's kind of on the short side. This normally would have a positive effect on someone, but you have to remember that as my appearance was changing for the better I hadn't changed as a person.

The years of self isolation and repeated blows to my self confidence weren't just about to disappear over night. It became a force of unbearable anxiety, because I began to realize that I had the potential to be on top of my schools hierarchy, but I was just missing the social development. I tried very hard to talk to girls and to get out of my shell, but they all ended badly, with similar outcomes to elementary and middle school, because I was just that autistic. My high school years passed without me ever establishing a friends group or having any sort of female attention. It was just so defeating knowing that I have Chad looks but I'm so worthless that I can't seem to do anything with them.

I'm in college now and everything is essentially still the same for me. I'm filled with intense daily regret of how I've wasted away valuable time during my developmental years, and that I have not accomplished anything productive in the slightest. While I look at other guys I went to high school with, and for example one dude is literally a male model that attends Rice. I'm still talked down to and treated like a little bitch, and I feel like lifting wouldn't really help my situation. I'm naturally weak, and anyone that heightmogs me could tear my limbs off and shove them up my ass if they wanted to. I don't know what to look forward to, I hate my major and I genuinely can't think of anything that would be enjoyable to study. I still want to have a bluepill girlfriend, but I'm well aware that women are all whores and that the only reason a woman may tolerate me in the future is because of my looks. I'm scared to get involved in something at my Uni because I'm terrified of interacting with people in general, as I'll surely be treated like a pussy by other guys. The world is a piece of shit and I feel like I'm just too much of a soft bitch to cope. I sometimes feel like I'd just be better off killing myself.