I was alone and i was thinking about my past choices and i came to an conclusion based on my experience, in all my high school life i was never the studious and sincere kid, all i cared about was having fun and waiting for school to get over so that i can go home and play video games or football with my brothers, i was an under achiever and frankly most teachers would always find a way to complain to my parents about my marks or how i never submitted my homeworks, tbh i hated studying and i would only study on the last minute when exams were coming up for pass marks and that was it, i was only thinking of ways that i could get pleasure without having to work for it and it got worse as i got older, because i was only thinking of ways to have fun or ways to look cool to impress that girl, having the perfect hairstyle and acting like i didn't give a fuck about girls while i only tried to be cool for them, apparently the not giving a fuck shit worked most of the time and i was with a girl around the time i passed my 10th standard and i was planning to go to a different school and its funny because even though it wasn't a serious relationship she broke it off with me because i was going to a boarding school in a different state but i also found out that she was already seeing a different guy which was confirmed by her brother who was a friend of mine, i didn't give it much thought though because i knew it was coming, that experience didn't redpill me tbh it didn't effect me at all.

Boarding school: New life begins, i go to check-in the hostel with my dad, the warden says my hairs too long and says i have to cut it, so i went cut my hair come back he says its still long and it has to be 1 inch, fuck it hes just being a dick, i cut my hair nearly bald which broke my heart a little, first night had to adjust to the humid summer life in my dorm, had around 2 hours sleep since i was right below the bunk bed and the AC was running whole night, i had no blanket since i thought i wouldn't need it, i sleep under my bed sheets.

This goes on for some weeks until my blanket finally arrives. I had a hardtime adjusting to the boarding timing since i lived my life free as a bird my whole life and suddenly there was a routine for everything, no phones, no games, study hour 3 times a day, it was a new place and i had no contact with the outside world, some seniors would try and come pick on the freshers making them do work and wash clothes, it was the typical boarding experience where the seniors had full authority and you couldnt do shit about it unless you wanted to get jumped which you would experience in any military boarding school except mine wasn't an military boarding school it was worse, The school had a reputation of taking drop outs, problem child's, rich kids, and every now and then they would take new admissions of drop outs from an reputed all boy military school, the dorm was a testosterone ground and even though it was an all boys school boys and girls were divided and having relationships were prohibited which didn't work obviously. Most freshers ran away from the hostel on their first week stay, only to be greeted back on request from the parents.

I also contemplated running away but i never followed up on my plans, im not exaggerating but i would lose my belongings almost every single day, once i washed my socks hanged it at the steel bar of my bed and it just vanished when i woke up the next day, so i had no choice but to resort to doing the same, it wasn't a big issue anymore after awhile of making friends, and knowing the ins and outs, after a bit of getting caught with tobacco and meeting the hostel superintendent paying some fines and knowing how to turn the key, it wasn't that hard anymore except for few moments when some people resort to acting like hard gangsters. It was a testosterone filled experience with fights almost every other week, a few black eyes here and there, but it was also the first time i stopped caring about being cool and girls in general, i set my mind that i would for once in my life do something right, i told myself i would pass with excellent marks by the time i graduated, only for my class teacher to meet my mom because of my horrible marks. I guess that was final straw in my book because i passed with a really high percentage by the end of my academic year ranking somewhere around the top of my class, my friend secured a few percentage higher than me, he was also my homie for most of my life there, i guess being competitive for a reason other than girls is worth it afterall. I never liked it there but i'd be lying to myself if i said i dont miss it.

College: Another new chapter to leave the past behind, thanks to my percentage i got into one of the top colleges in the country, i was finally free as a bird, at the legal age and i guess i lost my way, i "tried" so hard to be that cool guy again, most nights were spent drinking/smoking with friends, going out seeking pleasure, trying to impress girls just to tap some ass, one day my friend says he has some friends(girls) from his old school and invites me and some friends to go to a party, long story short apparently i hit it off with my friends friend and we spend the night exchange numbers and it was quite obvious that she was interested, after a few days of talking over the phone i call her over to my place, expecting nothing but a fling and one thing led to another, suddenly im in a relationship while also living together most of the time, i lose focus of the main reason why i was there in the first place, things get serious, and by things i mean me, i got serious ( one of my many mistakes), between spending time together, and smoking weed, and fighting over petty things and not sleeping properly my attendance became a shitshow, i fail most of my exams so i decided to drop out of college giving it no thought.

I was living at the moment for so long i forgot about my future, depression kicks in, i start smoking even more weed and drinking, my health becomes a shitshow, im vulnerable, weak, and pathetic now i turn to my girlfriend( another one of my many mistakes) she sees how pathetic and weak I've become, im high as fuck most of the time trying to ignore the fact that my life's turning into shit and i only have my girlfriend in my life now because of my choices, i never felt as lonely as i had and it was my own damn fault. One day i wake up and its a text on my phone saying she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, now im all alone, im desperate and pathetic i beg her (one of the biggest mistakes of my life) drops the bomb on me she's sleeping with another guy, "LOL" jokes on me, i played myself just when i thought things couldn't get worse my Dad gets diagnosed with cancer, wow can my life get any worse?

Just when i start getting my shit together my dad dies and after awhile i start smoking weed again which helped me forget about things, it gets worse the only time im not rolling a joint is when im sleeping, i guess the past few years haven't been so kind to me but i haven't been kind to myself either, I wish i could blame whatever is happening to me at someone else but i know the only guilty person is me.

Oh boy this was one the longest things I've written here but since we're among men i wanted to share some of my life moments and bad decisions here since i cant share most of this with anyone, Its so easy to let your balls do your thinking for you, i guess that's where most men fuck up. I wish i could say after all this there's a silver lining and that i got my shit together but that isn't the case, im still depressed, i still get lonely from time to time. But one things for sure im working on getting my shit together, and when i do the only person ill have to thank for that will be me, and when i do achieve something i won't forget what made it happen in the first place.

All i wanna say is get your priorities straight, think with your brain not your balls and great things might happen.