Let me tell you a little story about myself first. I'm 22, currently in University for a pretty good degree. I have been lifting for around 6 years, I'm 5'9 around 165 ~13% bodyfat. I get a lot of looks from women usually. All sounds wonderful don't it? But here's my story. I need your help because I'm fucking tired of feeling this way.

My issues mainly started in highschool. I come from a family where all the males in my house are above 6'0. I, however, got the short end of the stick. That already made me feel like shit. Although I'm average height now, in highschool I hit puberty in grade 11/12, which is super late. I missed out on 3 years of socializing because I was so fucking small. Of course having insane amounts of anxiety and insecurities didn't really help either. I was not just short and skinny, I was also super thinned boned (this kind of runs in my family but the height for them makes up for it). I was and still am also super insecure about my nose. I did have instances of women telling me my arms are smaller than them and dudes saying I'm so short, because I was. I would be afraid to enter class if I was a few minutes late. My hands would get insanely cold, and my face was sunken and sickly. I did not know how to standup for myself what so fucking ever. I had my money stolen once by someone I was 99% sure who it was, and I did fuck all about it. I will never forget that. I was so damn insecure that I never wore short sleeves, like ever. I also had some (and still kinda do but it's better) some major ADHD issues, eventhough I was super low energy all the time. My world was gray and shaky, that's the best way I can put it. I did however somehow manage to hang with the "cool kids", but I was that one off in the crew. I also found porn at a crazy young age, like I'm talking grade 1. It was lesbian porn too so that certainly did not fucking help my image of sex. In highschool I would go on some crazy porn binges. I remember once the hottest girl in school thought I was cute and my response was going home and jerking off to the thought of fucking her a solid 5 times.

So it was around grade 11/12 when I took up lifting. I remember for the first 3 years I made so much progress but I was still the skinny short kid. That's how small I was to begin with. I suspect I may have had some thyroid problems.. but anyway, I remember being so angry at the gym, and that did really help me go ham. I'm not the biggest guy now but you can tell I lift when I wear t-shirts etc (I do have small arms though but a big chest. I'm super confident now when I comes to being confronted by men. I can go out at night sober when everyone is drunk, and that's because gym has helped my frame a lot.

But, here I am, 22. Made so much progress in the gym. I eat the same damn thing for 8 month straight usually. I count my calories to the .1. Sometimes I eat till I almost throwup (Its super hard for me to put on weight). But my point is, I've been so deciplined when it comes to the gym and diet, and I've made so much progress.. but.. But here I am at 22, still a fucking virgin. Yup, you read it right. Here I am at 22, still fucking depressed and anxious. My mind runs 150 km/h 24/7. I can't sleep with the lights off because my mind goes crazy. I also smoke weed everyday, but I'm functional. I work sober, and it helps me workout a bit when I'm high. But I really need to stop smoking.

My biggest problem is women. I had a phase where I started cold approaching and gave up within 2 months. . I remember I fell "in love" with this girl so hard at one point in University and I started to apologize to her for trying to fuck her once.. yea idk wtf I was doing. She saw the beta in me and started flaking on me. I've known her for 4 fucking years and after being nice to her is when she started doing this. That's actually when i started doing cold approaches and nofap, which wasn't easy. I started with asking for directions but I got to a point where I was doing direct opens. But again, for whatever bs reason I stopped. I also did one of those pua bootcamps but it was just a huge waste of money. I started night game after, had some crazy close encounters to a pull, and I'm talking 6/7s, but Rona hit and I used it as an excuse to give up. It also gets -30 c in the winter were I live so super hard to do shit in the winter. I hopped on tinder, got really good matches for 2 days, even almost got a 6/7 to come to an Airbnb (I have shit logistics but I do have a car) then pussied out (,to be fair I was sick af). I do live with my parents, but honestly don't really have a choice rn. I'm in college, will graduate in a year so I will move out when I have a job to pay for the rent.

But here is my main problem: I can't seem to forget the old me. It's like every self improvement shit I do just inflates my ego and makes me want to take revenge. It's like the saying proud but never satisfied, except I'm not proud and not satisfied. I thought I would fucking be happy when I would workout so consistently for 6 years, but I just have a better frame. Deep down in still so fucking insecure. I look at myself everyday and think I'm not big enough. 10 more pounds, I say. And now I've realized I can gain 100 more pounds of muscle and will probably be a pussy deep down.

I promised myself in August, when Corona calms the fuck down a little, I will try super fucking hard to overcome this in tinder. But I'm scared. I do so much self development shit, like nofap, but it just inflates my ego. The inner me doesn't change.

I do need to fix my sleep schedule, it's all over the place and has been since I can remember. But my main problem is fucking women. And not "fucking women" , just literally interacting with women

How can stop overthinking and thinking that "when I get there" like when I gain another 3 pounds of muscle, THEN I'll be confident enough to fuck a female. I'm so demotivated to workout now because I'm afraid when I get there, I'll still be the same insecure guy. I'm still insecure about my nose and height, to the point were I always wear a cap because my nose looks big af under light.

I read the power of now by echart Tolle, stopped overthinking for 3 days, then here I am again, mind racing like a bitch. I'm super depressed now and I just want it to fucking end. I need to create abundance because I will probably commit suicide if I'm still a virgin by 23. It's also not easy to manage everything with collage etc..

I don't know what answer I'm looking for here. I know I'll get a few "you're a pussy. Stop being a pussy" comments. But that's like telling someone who's drowning to "stop drowning". Like thanks, I'll try that, but first I need to learn how to not drown. I just want to stop being insecure. I want to workout because it makes me feel good. I wanna stop looking myself in the fucking mirror every second and think I'm big or I'm small. I want to stop caring and I want to fix,.. or in my case start.. my sex life.

First thing I'm going to do is fix my sleep, I know it will make a huge difference in my mood. I know I sound like a pussy when it comes to women but imagine barley communicating with one for 22 years. Women are alien creatures to me. Closes sexual experience I've had was at those "massage" spas which I'm super ashamed of spending money on.

I know my writing is all over the place but I'm just putting it all out there. I have so many dark secrets. How can I detach from my fucking overworking, pussy ass, mind. I have so many insecurities and nothing helps. I'm genuinely worried at this point because if I don't fix this soon, I will legit become suicidal. I just want to shut off my fucking mind and just "do it". But I'm so attached.

I will consider every sort of advice. Call me out on my bullshit, put me on blast, but please end it with a useful feedback and realize I lived 18 years as bottom of the bottom beta and it's not easy to "just do it".

TRP will change my life. I know it deep down.

EDIT: Thanks every one for the responses. I already feel a bit better because I put it all out there, I have never done that before like this. I feel a little more calm after writing this and reading the replies.