I'm 34 years old. I have been in a dark place mentally since 2018. Summer 2018 I had a devastating break up with a girl and right after that my dad became very sick with heart failure and I spent the next year taking care of him until he passed away.

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I'll try to make this short and save you all the sob-story but basically the girl was a 27 year old hot red head. I treated her amazing and put a lot of effort into the relationship while she hardly made any effort and did some pretty terrible things to me in the end. In the beginning she presented herself as this shy, innocent type of girl. However as I learned more things about her it became clear that she was a lot more promiscuous than she let on.

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After spending the past year and a half learning more about psychology and relationships I believe she may have had some type of Cluster B personality disorder.

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I grew up with an abusive mother who I have now learned is a covert narcissist. She was abusive to me and my dad. She was emotionally abusive to both of us and sometimes physically abusive to my dad. My dad would yell at her and they would say some pretty fuked up things to each other but my dad never laid a hand on her. My dad was a very nice guy and I'm thankful for lots of things he did for me growing up but unfortunately he was beta and put up with my moms abuse when he should have left her. He never had any boundaries with her and as a result I never learned how to have boundaries.

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I grew up in a very violent, abusive household and I remember having a constant feeling of walking on eggshells worried about when things were going to blow up and when another big fight was going to happen, which seemed to be every few days.

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My mom was very controlling and manipulative towards me. Even though I was a good kid who got good grades, nothing I ever did was good enough for her.

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She is an extreme hypochondriac, she hasn't worked in 15-20 years and spends all her time self diagnosing herself with diseases online, traveling all over the country seeing doctors and specialists. They do tests on her and tell her she doesn't have whatever disease she thinks she does and that she needs mental help. This of course pisses her off and she does things like threaten to sue them for misdiagnosing her and medical malpractice.

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She's used her made up illnesses to guilt trip me my entire life. When I was a child my needs weren't met and she was constantly playing victim, always going to doctors appointments and laying around the house complaining about being sick and feeling weak. As I got older and tried to be independent she would guilt trip me into staying at home when I did things like go away to college or move away for a job. Going as far to say things like she has pancreatic cancer and has less than a year to live when I went away to college to try and make me move back home.

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I ended up leaving my job last year to spend time with my dad because I knew he didn't have much time left and my parents were living in another state. He passed away at the end of 2019. I stuck around my parents place for a couple months after to be there for my mom so she wasn't alone but eventually I had to move on with my life. Of course when I left she resorted to her abusive, guilt tripping behaviors. I ended up moving away and cutting all contact with her for 3 months.

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Over the past couple years I've tried talk therapy and antidepressants which didn't help me. Then I looked into things like ketamine therapy and ayahuasca which weren't very helpful either.

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In April 2020 I did an LSD healing ceremony with a guy who is a special type of therapist and it was an amazing experience. I felt like I was able to let go of a lot of past pain and trauma and felt the best I have in years. I started to talk to my mom again and we're getting along and now I have boundaries with her. For the first time in years I felt positive and optimistic about the future and not like I was in a downward spiral of negativity.

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Over a month ago I started seeing a girl casually, it started out as a fukbuddy situation but we started to like each other and started acting more like we were dating. She was a hot blonde, 25 y/o, on paper she had some red flags but in terms of how she treated me she was very nice and sweet.

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Earlier this week I was in a very weird head space from having a stressful week and I ate an edible that night to help me sleep, I noticed these particular edibles sometimes put me in a very dark, negative head space. This girl texted me something that I misinterpreted and I ended up getting very angry and jealous and texted her back accusing her of fucking other guys, telling her I'm not putting up with her BS and to delete my number. I must have looked like a psycho, I mean we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend and everything was going great between us. It was completely random and out of nowhere. I tried apologizing to her a couple times this week but no response. It's over.

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The fuked up part about the whole situation is that when I sent her those angry texts it was a form of self-sabotage. This girl was nothing but nice to me, treated me good, we had amazing sex and I went and fuked up a good thing on purpose because I knew I was catching feelings for her.

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I knew that I had co-dependent tendencies and that I should have had other girls in the picture but things were difficult with quarantine. I tried to make an effort to meet new girls, I had some girls I matched with online who either ended up flaking or weren't able to hangout since our schedules didn't line up, etc.

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And now I'm really fukin' depressed about losing this girl. Here was a girl who was just my type, really into me, everything was going great and I fuk it up due to my own jealousy and anger problems. This one is 100% my fault

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And the fuked up thing is, this is how it always is for me. I get it that break ups suck for everyone but for me it feels way more intense. Basically every break-up I've ever had has been devastating for me to the point where I'm in a really dark place and it's hard to focus on anything else. It's definitely not a normal reaction. Esp. for a girl you were seeing for just over a month.

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Between my own life experiences with my mom and women I've dated along with consuming a lot of Red Pill/PUA content over the years I've become very bitter towards women. I'm basically always expecting a girl to screw me over and constantly having anxiety that a girl is being shady. Which of course is a terrible mindset because if you're always thinking those types of thoughts it's more likely that it will happen.

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I've been in 4 serious relationships in my life and had sex with about 40 girls total so it's not like I can't get laid. But I'm starting to think maybe some people are wired differently and just can't go around having casual sex like some others can with no problem. Maybe I need to be more selective about who I'm intimate with or just make more of an effort to have abundance in my life and have a rotation of girls I'm sleeping with.

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After doing some research the past few days it's become clear that I have serious co-dependency and abandonment issues along with being very jealous. Basically always worried that a girl is going to leave me, cheat on me, or in the most recent example, sabotaging the relationship when things are going well.

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I have deep, deep feelings of loneliness and I feel like I am back in a dark place again. It's like all those painful memories of childhood experiences and break ups came back. I thought I was mostly healed after doing the LSD ceremony a few months ago but apparently all those feelings were still right there underneath the surface, it just took something to trigger them for it to come back up. My self-esteem and confidence has been in the shitter for the past several years, minus a short period of time after the ceremony I did recently.

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I'm planning on doing another ayahuasca or LSD ceremony in the near future but I know that just doing psychedelics isn't going to fix me and that I need to do some deep inner work, I just don't know how to go about doing it.

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I feel like I'm a fuking mess right now. Is there anyone who has struggled with similar issues or has any advice on how to heal myself

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Edit: Something else I felt was worth mentioning. I feel like when I first meet girls I can come across like the alpha/player type in the beginning because I'm good looking and can carry myself confidently in the the early stages, have a decent amount of muscle, am dominant in the bedroom but I also have a romantic/senstive (Beta?) side to me that eventually comes out whether that be a few weeks or months into seeing a girl. So maybe when she first starts hanging out with me she has a certain impression of me but as time goes on and that Beta shit starts to come out she loses attraction. How to avoid slipping into this frame? Just abundance and spinning plates? Work on self love so I'm not needy?