I'm 18, i'v been going to the gym and kinda isolated myself, and being surrounded by beta friends most my high school life. So my social skills are a tad fucked. (think i might be a bit autistic)

The guys in the gym, i'm cool with but the girls there i may have embarrassed myself majorly, that i think i should probably move gym.

I was unaware at the time but i never realised that people actually pay attention to what i do, i didn't realise that my actions actually have an effect in the real world. But now i go to sleep thinking about all the cringy shit i do quite alot, and it's nearly suicide inducing ( i won't do it bht i feel like the shit i do isn't redeemable)

I didn't even realise that you were allowed to talk to girl strangers (i always figured they get hit on alot so i'd just completely ignore them because they don't want to be bothered) , so i'm always speaking to alot of the guys in the gym and completly poker facing girls that smile at me (because i don't like my smile, i thought they would just understand it)

Shit results in me and a girl that know each other because we're both regulars or they work there but i completely ignore them unless we are right infront of each other. It's awkward as fuck. We would have a conversation one day and pretend not to see each other the next.

And one if the worst things. I bumoed into one of the workers in a night club, i was on shitty coke so i was constantly chasing a dragon that night. And i swear down she was being flirty n shit and i coulda had a chance at something if i wasn't such a spastic.

I started being nosey, insecure, paranoid, etc asking shit like "oh does any of the other guys ther talk shit about me", asking about drama. I swear she tried to kiss me while we were dancing but i went in for a hug (it was a while ago so i'm not entirley sure if this is what was happening but i think it is)

And this icing on the cake, i was like "can you move over" and she said sit on my lap, and i was like "u sure" then she was like yea, then i proceeded to sit on her lap for like 10 minutes just sitting on my phone.

I spoke to her the next day but after that, its the thing where i'll only say hi if we cross paths, i can't speak to her because i just feel massive shame after that night

I realise i should be castrated but ironically i don't have the balls for that. So what should i do?

Also one friend i'v made there we got quite close but i think he tells people what i tell him, and i was quite giddy after that night so i think that's probably circulated

Should i just cut my losses and all the aquantances i'v made over the years Or should i start a new Or should i just blow my fucking brains out an not even think of coming back