"I am mad at you"

How many times has a woman said this to you?

If your response is "Ha! Too many to count, then this post will make sense to you. If you reply "Never. What are you talking about?", then pull up a chair lad, and pay close attention. You are going to want to hear this.

Anger is a powerful emotion. There are theories about where it comes from - some say it is based on fear, and as such, is a reaction - or a secondary emotion. But that is not the point here. We are going to discuss the power of anger as a tool (or a weapon - I will let you decide).

On the other hand, another powerful emotion is empathy. "Save the children" "Give just a little to help these poor people" "Gofundme for this poor family" "Oppressed people need your vote" etc. It is an emotion or sensibility that is easily exploited. One could write a book about this, but there is one particular angle I would like to address. I hope you may find helpful one day.

So allow me two short stories that elucidate this "weaponized anger" thing. These two virtually identical scenarios have happened to me many times over the years - at the hands of mothers, sisters, aunts etc. And it STILL happens.

And I suspect it has happened to you too.

So sit back and enjoy this tale, in two parts:


Story 1:

I dated a woman once, let's call her Patti. Patti was about as good looking a woman as you will ever meet. She is damned near perfect in terms of looks and personality. No joke, she was amazing.

After dating for about 6 months, she just suddenly disappeared for a day. Text and calls went dark. I had just started having feelings for her (yeah, yeah, I know. Just shut up and listen).

So being an adult, I just figured she wanted a break and I let it go.

Fast Forward 48 hours later and she texts me "Hey" (don't you love that one?!).

So I say...

(Go ahead, guess - there is only one legit response here)

Hey

after some chit chat, she tells me that she was mad at me for being so distant all day the day before.

"Distant"? I was at work and texted you every chance I got. Are you fucking with me rn?

"No! I needed you and you weren't there.

Why. What happened. Did something bad happen?

No. I just wanted some of your attention. You are distant sometimes DD1. I was lonely

(Note: Yes, this is going where you think it is. and it went there and that is why she is my ex. This was the first inkling of realizing that AWALT was staring me in the face with a baseball bat aimed right between my eyes)

Okay. Fair enough. But you have other friends, you have two children, you have people all around you. Besides, you do know I have a full time job, right?

Her: Yeah, I know. I just missed you and I was pissed. I am STILL pissed.

Oh. so what did I do to piss you off?

"You ignored me"

So your not pissed at me for DOING something wrong, you are pissed because I couldn't do something because of work. Is that right?

At this point you could see she had never heard this line of reasoning before. I could almost hear her inner hamster say "Oh fuck, here we go" (Side note - that poor fucking hamster. How he kept it up all those years, I will never know. HA!)

She smiled and said "yeah". She started joking, changed the subject and asked when I can come over to her place.

And just like that, this episode was over.

But it stuck with me. Women get angry over what we FAIL to do, perhaps more than anything we ever actually do.

That's a life lesson right there. So I hung onto it.


Fast forward a few years later ....


Story 2:

Dating a new woman, much younger than me. Cute, friendly, athletic, petite, similar values, and ideal in just about every way a good man could hope for.

One day, about two years into the relationship, she comes over to hang one night. I could see her mood was "off" but she worked a strenuous job, so it could be anything. We get to talking. I could hear that something was really bothering her. So I asked:

What's wrong.

Her: I am Angry

(Flashback: Oh FFS. Here we go again)

Why?

Because you didn't text me "good night" last night.

Are you fucking with me?

No! Stop. I am PISSED DD1!

I can see that. But I did text you last night. So what's the problem

(Side note: When she gives a reason that is very obviously flimsy, it is not about the text, or who took out the garbage, etc. It is something else, and it is almost never good.)

Her: But you just left it at "Good night babe" and I responded back and you left me hanging all night.

Stop right there. I fell asleep right after I said "I am falling asleep - good night" and you are angry about that? I need you to explain to me exactly what I DID wrong in this scenario. I loved you, I called you, I texted you, and I said nice things before falling asleep very late at night.

Her: Well you didn't DO anything wrong, I just needed to hear from you.

(At this point, I realize this is a classic shit test. So I relaxed and it all fell into place)

Okay. Then I need you to write down a list of all the things I SHOULD do in order for you to be okay in this relationship, and I will consider them. But in the meantime get that "angry" shit out of my face and never pull this shit again unless you want to end this relationship. We all have bad moods once in a while, but I never EVER take my anger out on you because that would be abusive. Name one time ONE TIME I have ever disrespected, abused, or mistreated you in any way. Name one right now.

Her: Never.

So what's the problem. Look. If you have anger issues, then say so. But this is not how you treat someone you claim to love. PERIOD. Unless you want me to start doing to you what you are doing right now, you need to back off on this bullshit immediately. You are not a stupid woman, so stop acting like one."

She stopped dead in her tracks. Her whole demeanor changed, she looked down in, what looked like, shame. (I could almost hear her inner hamster saying "you're on your own on this one sweetheart!"). Her eyes were scanning mine, hoping for some response to come to mind.

All she could muster is:

sigh

You're right. I was just feeling like I wanted to be close to you, and I couldn't be with you and that got me angry. I'm sorry.

And that was that.

Note #232: She still does this from time to time, but all I have to do is say "What exactly did I DO - not fail to do - but what did I actually DO to warrant such anger" It works 100% of the time.


Moral of the stories:

Any time, and I mean ANY time a woman "gets mad" - ask her

"what have I done wrong?"

Make her to explain what you DID to anger her. Make he be specific.

Getting "angry" is a powerful when used as an emotional tool/weapon. People too often get away with "getting mad" when they don't get their way. They use it with their parents, siblings, and friends to great effect. It is one of many ways they manipulate others - and it is how they test men.

So never let anyone use "I'm angry" as a weapon against you. Just that phrase alone should make YOU angry. It is insulting. Unless she can point to a specific action or behavior - like being rude, nasty, abusive, left her on the curbside in the rain, deliberately broke her vibrator, etc. - or you broke a SPECIFIC promise or deal that she depended on you for (which is a legit reason to be angry) - there is no justification for bring angry about an inaction.

Be sure to always make her explain what you DID to make her mad.

Getting mad is a choice, and that's on her - not you.

TL;DR:

Never let a woman use "I'm angry" as a weapon against you.