It bothers me. A lot. The guy I lost my virginity was abusive and he coerced me. I don’t wanna even think about it it makes me feel sick. I was 24 at the time and I was very strict on my virginity. It was my biggest goal to wait for marriage as I grew up in a very red pilled ideology of a household. I’m trying to break free from those ideologies as they’ve obviously harmed me. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t believe in them still.

After that first ex and I broke up I felt so low and disgusting. A year later I started sleeping with a colleague ( I’d say a handful of times if that) The sex was obviously miles better than that dreadful first time.

Fast forward to 26 and I meet my fiancé. I love him so much and everyday it pains me that he’s not my one and only. My first, my only and my last. Like I had always thought my life would pan out. Except i’ve slept with two others who didn’t have any actual love or respect for me. I have a great relationship now but there’s this black cloud over me. I feel sickened and embarassed that my fiancé knows ive been with other men I don’t know why. I guess because I’m sure he doesn’t like it.. who would? I can’t help but feel really bad as my goal in life was to be with only one man. Will I be loved differently, seen as less special? Just be honest. He’s never made me feel bad about it of course and has a past of his own but idk. It hurts. I worship the ground he walks on but I never feel good enough