So I'm moving out of my University apartment due to an unfortunate NVM roommate who ruined my living situation. I want to share my story as a warning/rant/red flag awareness for living with and/or dating a guy in a shared living situation and how to deal with it if it gets bad.

For quick background on my living situation, I live in Spain. On weekends, holidays, and days that I don't have to physically be at the University I live with my HVM partner of 3 years about 2,5h away in a gorgeous, always clean apartment. I've always had a secondary Uni apartment too. My first Uni living situation was bad, I left in a rush and moved into the first place I found Feb 2019. This place is quaint, 3bed2bath 250€/month for en suite room, but it lacks some amenities and is outdated.

Honestly the roommate (who I'll call HVR, 27M) seemed excellent and neat although my room was trashed by the previous tenant who was evicted. It wasn't move in ready due to the urgency of my situation, but with a lot of love, about 100€ in cleaning supplies and basic home items (like kitchen towels, a new mop/bucket, nonstick cooking pans, that I bought myself, and HVR and I deep cleaning, we turned it into a very nice place in a few days. Both of us go to our respective towns on the weekend and he was always respectful and extremely clean, so it seemed like an excellent situation.

But the empty 3º room eventually had to be filled. At first it was a French guy who was young (19-20), very rich/spoiled, always in the apt as his main home is in France, and a teeny bit gross/unclean. That said, he was extremely nice and always improved after us pointing out something, and has potential as an adult. I always felt respected by and listened to by him even though he was kind of gross and for that I didn't consider moving again as I knew he was leaving and was constantly self improving. He left in August 2020 and hopefully continues an upward path to cleanliness. Things were great again with just me and HVR, the apartment spotless, quiet and chill.

Until couch creature comes in 15 Sep 2020, Mark (20M). Mark and HVR are both 3º Odontology students, whereas I'm a 3º Pharmacy student. Mark visited the apartment, saw the vacancy, and asked HVR if he could move in and even went as far as to speak to the real estate agent. As they go to class together and Mark seemed cool, HVR said ok sure why not. As a note, HVR while excellent is also very frugal (I can't call him cheap as we're going to a private Uni, trust me I get it) so he was hype for a third person to share expenses with and since both of us are so clean/respectful, we've never had a cleaner or problems keeping our personal items in communal areas. The move in happened fast and I didn't meet him until after he was already here. I instantly did not like him. To make a long story short, here is what living with him was like in the past 2 months:

  • Week 1: I decided to wash all of the kitchen towels, my own towels, cleaning rags, as well as all of the clothing I had so everything would be nice and clean. This was all hang drying in the living room. He decided not only to take the kitchen towels without asking, but my clear white plush face towel and use it as a fucking napkin. When confronted and me asking who the fuck did he think he is, he said he just assumed since it was in the communal area that he could use it. He couldn't tell the difference between the face towel and the identical ikea kitchen towels. And he didn't see the problem using towels as napkins.
    • He did not offer to reimburse me for these. He has contiuned using the kitchen towels as napkins in spite of me talking and yelling at him about this. I am tossing them all tonight as well as taking all of my personal items from the kitchen and taking a photo to send to the group chat. HVR yelled at him too and shamed him too without any changes and has privately told me Mark says he doesn't get what the issue is.
  • He used my pans without asking and used metal utensils, so they are scraped and unusable. He used my plastic measuring cup as a cleaning cup and kept it outside on the terrace. He overfills the garbage which is just a bunch of grocery bags on the floor of the laundry room.
  • He constantly leaves dirty dishes in the sink and doesn't clean at all nor try to do so. Any and all dishes he does "clean" have visibly stuck on food or food that could easily be rinsed off from the back. He insists on putting these visibly dirty dishes in the drying rack, dirtying the actually clean ones. As a result we have to clean both before and after using a dish. He also "cooks" every fucking day so the kitchen is just constantly worse. HVR tried deep cleaning once for me since he knew I was at the end of my fking rope and by the time I got home Mark had already made everything disgusting again.
  • Mark brought over an overnight guest without asking, had the audacity to ask for my charger (which I only gave as a gesture to the girl) and then didn't give it back until I had to bang on the door and demand it back. He is extremely loud at night and often talks/laughs/games until 1-2 in the morning even though our walls are very thin.
  • He is constantly taking long showers, leaving the lights on, leaving the water running, to the point where the landlady told me that she was concerned about the electricity company taking away her discount because she had never seen a bill this high. HVR was quarantined and I had been in the apartment less than 10 days that month. It was only Mark. How does one even do that? We don't have AC or heat, so I'm just perplexed.
  • He did something in the kitchen as he called panicking saying there was water leakage late October where again HVR and I were not in the apartment. He quickly hung up and said it was all good. I just realized literally two days ago that whenever you use the kitchen sink, water drips out and leaks onto the floor. Additionally, there is absolutely no cold water now in the sink and the water comes out as boiling. He did not notify the real estate agent and now I'm probably going to have to do it. HVR didn't notice either until I pointed it out as we both have barely entered the kitchen and have been eating out/takeway and with disposable containers so that no dishes are created.

So in two months he has managed to entirely destroy the living vibes, the apartment, and now HVR is in an extremely uncomfortable situation as he keeps talking to him and getting nothing in reply and also has to work with this slob NVM in class/labs/etc. every day for the next two and a half years so he doesn't want to go nuclear. My final straw was two weeks ago when I went to chat to Mark again while folding my clothes in the living room and he literally brought his food, took a bite, looked at me, and wiped his idiotic greasy face with my kitchen towel, acting like everything is fine. I was so pissed leaving to my non-Uni home. I knew I was moving out in that instant.

I looked for new apartments in this two week period and have a viewing on Friday for my favorite and my second favorites are both in contact with me as well for viewings in December when the current tenants leave. I notified my landlady yesterday, but here's the catch: if I tell her it's entirely due to Mark, she will likely evict him. She has been an excellent, wonderful landlady but after looking for new places, I realized that for the same price I can get a much nicer apartment with AC, a mini fridge, an in room television, lots of storage, a corkboard, bimonthly cleaning included, private locks on my bedroom and kitchen cabinets and only sacrifice the private bathroom, which to me is a better deal imo as this place is again, outdated and fairly unfurnished with what furniture that was here destroyed by Mark/LVF/previous tenants.

Telling her that though would likely burn the bridge. So I told her it was mostly financial and I don't need a Uni apartment anymore (I feel terrible for lying) but that the roommate is terrible. I will write a detailed letter/email to the real estate agent and landlady with photos as I've documented all of these previous incidences as soon as I get my important things out of this apartment so that way the sink gets fixed and she knows not to spend anything to improve the apartment with Mark in it. That way he doesn't stay after his contract and/or will get evicted, but I can leave on good terms with my landlady too and gave her ample warning to not renew his contract for next year. I would have honestly likely lived here until graduation had Mark not disrespected me out of my home and pushed me to look at places and see how much nicer the ones are at the same price point. I am out money as I have to replace the things that he's destroyed that I'm going to throw away as I'd rather him not have anything of mine. HVR is also sad but totally understands, said he's ashamed and frustrated by the situation and wishes we could have graduated together. He even asked if I would move back if Mark was gone, but again, nope, the other alternatives are nicer.

So in conclusion, I've learned a few lessons about not buying anything for any shared apartment, and to keep my stuff in my room, but the biggest lesson that I've known and really was able to see it's importance is that the only person you can change in this world is yourself. And this is why I wanted to post it on FemaleDatingStrategy.

Girls, how many times do you have multiple conversations with men about cleanliness, them respecting the house or your items, them just being decent? While both of my third roommates weren't ideal, the difference between LVF and Mark, both very young adults from wealthy families, is that LVF at least tried to improve whenever discussions ocurred whereas Mark actively disrespected the household and it's items. Both are not ideal partners, but LVF is the kind of guy that could grow up into a HVM easily as his failings are minor, whereas Mark is going to be NVM for the rest of his life as he is selfish and uncaring. That said, NEITHER you should date or give your energy to. It's not your job to be someone's mother or educator, as it isn't your job to try to fix/change someone. Both of these kinds of men will drain your energy, and even with potential, it isn't worth sticking around to see if they'll change.

And lastly, if you're dating someone who has a shared living situation. Try noticing the details. Get to know his roommates. Look around the room and see if it's a cleanly place. These small details, such as food on the kitchen towels and dirty cleaning supplies do matter. Even if it isn't him, you know that if he doesn't complain this is what he can tolerate living with. Consider it a very good idea of what you can expect to live with if things get serious in a relationship. And don't be afraid to ask a roommate if he is a good roommate/clean or why x is this way if you're not sure. If I see his overnight guest again, I will leave her a note and will definitely tell her to run and run fast. I feel kind of bad for her now as he brings her to his room so fast she doesn't have time to take in the disorderly disgusting state of the rest of the apartment.

Lastly, if you're living with a LVM/NVM, write everything down, document everything, cover your steps, and be fierce. If I had a safe place to burn those towels I would burn them and send him a video of it. I am tossing things that I could leave "just to be nice" as they're already ruined, because I specifically don't want NVM's life to be any easier. I want him to suffer or have to buy more. And with all of it documented, if he retaliates in any way with me removing MY things (which hoo boy he will be surprised at the vast majority of things that are mine) then it will be considered either theft if he takes it from my room or just another piece of evidence to get him evicted.

This was pages long but it feels good to get it all out. The final FDS advice I have...never live with men you don't know. I was lucky with HVR but all other male roommates I've had, save my current partner, have been revolting. If you made it this far, hopefully something positive can come out of my shitty situation. Can't wait to take out all of my stuff tonight and see Mark's angry confused reaction, my heart's palpitating with joy just thinking of it lmao. And on the plus side hopefully I get this new apartment with all of it's amenities! I'm proud of myself for having the strength to say fk you and move away at all signs of disrespect, as pickmeisha past me 5 years ago would have tried to "fix" all of these issues.